The privileged life (Ignorance part one)

I want to start this post of by writing a few things that people have said to me during the course of the year:-

"You work part-time in retail? You must earn around £20,000 a year."

"No, it wasn't that expensive. It just cost a few thousand."

"It's common for single mothers to have cleaners."

For me, it is really baffling how I always think that it is me who is out of touch with things. I am indeed actually out of touch with a lot of things but for people to say these kind of things to me just goes to show that I am not alone in being out of touch. It's a nice thought in some ways. As with ignorance, they are so ignorant, they don't even know that they are being ignorant.

For people who are brought up into rich families and have been born with silver spoons in their mouths would find it very difficult to understand the working peoples' lifestyle. It is not easy to work and live on minimum wage. House sharing with parent(s), or just living with people you don't want to really live with-in a house you don't really want to live in. Not shopping in Waitrose but in Aldi instead. The food is exactly the same, but of course, you are so much more classier if you shop at the former.

Missing meals.

Constantly dipping into savings. Wondering if there will ever be a time when you can treat yourself. Sometimes it just seems like constant pressure.

The three statements above would never be said by someone who had a remote bit of knowledge on how difficult it is for some people to just get by. I sometimes feel ashamed that I am in this position of working part-time in retail. I feel like people look down on me-in fact, I KNOW that people look down on me. Whether it is a conscious decision for them to look down on me or not-I know that they do.

But when I think about it, should I feel ashamed? Is it right for me to feel ashamed? Is it right that it is me who is feeling ashamed, or should it be the people who have absolutely no idea how hard it is for others who automatically disrespect and put down others who they perceive to be below them? Aren't they the ones who should be ashamed simply for being so ignorant?

They can go to their private schools but are they really educated? They may think that they are but do they even have a clue what life is? No. And they never will. But on the flipside, I will never understand them either. Their own lifestyles. The only way I could would be if I won the lottery-but even then, I would know what it's like to sometimes struggle. I would know what it's like to be looked down on.

I'm not stereotyping everyone or anyone who is better off than me at all. I am just pointing out the things that I have to deal with due to the absolute ignorance of some arses. If you can afford to have a good life, then live it.

But respect is such a massive thing for me. Sometimes respect can go a long way. Unfortunately, there are some people who will never understand that.

Diwali #4

I didn't write one last year due to a hell of a lot of shit going on. It didn't seem right. In some ways it seems even less right now but here goes.

It is Diwali today. The Indian equivalent of Christmas. Tomorrow will be the new year. Today is the darkest night of the year-so candles, diyas and lanterns will be lit. 

For those that don't know, Diwali symbolises Light over darkness. Hope over despair. Knowledge over ignorance. Good over evil. Right over wrong.

It used to be my favourite time of the year. However, everyday is the same to me now. 

In Hindu philosophy, it is believed that there is an afterlife. That there is more to just the physical body and that there is an inner-self. A soul. A soul which is pure, infinite, eternal.  

There are things which happen in life. Things that are unreasonable. Beyond unreasonable. Things that can leave you wondering, questioning. Things that can leave you forever sad.

Things that can leave you empty and lost. 

But maybe all is not lost. 

All is never lost. 

If what I have written is true. If there is Light over darkness. Hope over despair. Knowledge over ignorance. Good over evil. Right over wrong. 

If what I have wrote about an afterlife. A pure, infinite, eternal soul being all true.

(I hope it is all true). 

Then today, Diwali. 

It truly is a day of celebration. No matter what happens in life-or afterlife.

Things are going to be OK.

This post is for Louise and Will x

R.I.P Myles Oliver Neale 12/10/2014 x

Lust > Love

I suppose it's all fun and games until feelings get into it.

Lust. Love.

The former.

You are horny, you see someone attractive (for me attraction is about the mind as well as the physical features). You want them. You want to screw them, fuck them, make love to them, have sex with them. However you want to put it. It's good. It fulfills you. You go on living life and doing your thing. It's simple. It's easy. Nobody gets hurt.

So then what comes with the latter?

What comes with Love?

Understanding. Companionship.

Something beautiful. A sensation that in my opinion, no written word could really ever describe. Especially anything I may write. Just the thought of that person makes your heart smile.

Their actions, the way they laugh, their movements, the way they speak, the things they say. Their characteristics.

Their everything.

It all sounds so amazing. But unfortunately, there is an awful flip-side.

What else comes with it?

It can make you go crazy.

What if love breaks down? What if one person doesn't feel the same way as the other person?

What if you love someone and they don't love you back?

Hurt, anger, jealousy. Worthlessness?

Pain. Sheer fucking emotional pain.

How would YOU feel if that happened to you? How would you feel if the person you loved didn't care about you? That they didn't even acknowledge your existence?

Imagine if you love someone and they were with someone else. Imagine them being kissed, touched, fucked by that someone else. Imagine them not even caring about your feelings.

Would you feel betrayed? But how can it be betrayal if they don't care about you and never did? If they don't feel the same about you and never did? It's not even fucking betrayal.

Each person is different. Some are strong. Some can move on.

Others suffer. Others become miserable. They feel like there is no point. They don't want to exist anymore. They want to be dead. How can this happen?

What if you loved someone and you had to let it go but you could never let it go? No matter how hard you tried? Give it time some say. No. That doesn't always work.

The emptiness.

No matter what you do, you can't stop thinking about them? You can't stop crying, shaking, trembling.

Are you supposed to just ache forever? What do you fucking do??

Lust. Love.

I choose the former.

An amazing cause but I didn't want to get pressured into participating.

I think the latest craze has passed? Therefore I am writing this. 

Recently, a lot of people around the world decided to pour ice cold water over themselves to raise awareness for Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS) and to raise money for the ALS association. 

Now this was a huge worldwide thing which I wasn't even aware of at first as apparently it started on a social networking site which I don't use. For anyone out there who doesn't know-this was called "The ice bucket challenge". 

The challenge aims to raise awareness for ALS and money for the ALS Association. 

The British equivalent is called The Motor Neurone Disease association (MND) which benefited a great deal. 

Fifty-six per cent of those who did participate in the ice bucket challenge for ALS said they did not donate afterwards, while over a third of people who did it said they did the challenge just to gain attention on social media.

A further one in ten claimed to have done the ice bucket challenge because they felt pressured into doing so after receiving a nomination.

In Britain only sixteen per cent said they donated between £1 and £3 to an ALS charity after completing the challenge, while three per cent said they donated £10 or more.

But before the ice bucket challenge was introduced, The MND association received an average of £200,000 a week in donations. On the last week in August, it received £2.7M!

The ALS during the whole of last year well over $2.5M but in just one month, the charity made $98.2M!! 

The amount of money going to such a good cause is just absolutely incredible. That is an amazing amount of money. A lot of people around the world participated.

Some really believed in donating money for a good cause.

Some wanted attention and for some celebrities, this was a great chance to try and get back into the limelight. How many women wore really tight tops and nothing underneath? How sexy. But also of course, celebrities can't make themselves look bad. 

Some actually had no clue what was going on and were just following a trend that had caught on.

It raised so much awareness that literally millions of people are more in the know about this condition now then they were before the ice bucket challenge.

The "challenge" was to pour ice cold water over your head. You record it. You then donate to the charity. You then nominate three people after doing so to do the "challenge". And they must do it. They have to. If they don't then...I'm not really sure? Oh wait, they have to donate more money to the charity if they didn't participate. It's the rule and everyone who is nominated has to play. 

Did I play? No. 

Social pressure has become a really big thing. And when something on social media has gathered so many people into making decisions based on what everyone else has decided to do can make a person feel like they are doing the wrong thing if they decide not to participate. It can make them feel bad. The most kind person can feel like they are doing something wrong if they didn't participate. In this case, the most kind person would have to pour a bucket of ice cold water over their head to not feel bad. Or the most kind person would have to give more money to a charity to which they might not have a personal connection with if they didn't want to have a bucket of ice cold water poured over their head.

I was in a pub sat next to a friend when he stared panicking as he had just been "nominated" and claimed that he would now "have to do it."

And that is what it comes down to for me. 

I do love the fact that so much money has gone to charity and such a good cause for a condition that is truly horrible. 

I would like to donate my money to the stroke association. I would like to donate to childrens' charities. I would like to buy food for people who can't afford to. Am I allowed to nominate people to do this? 

It's national water day on the 22nd of March. I am not going to talk about water wastage and how around 768 million people in the world don't have any water. But it's a difficult one because fundraising in itself.

I have yet to donate to the MND. But I will donate to them. As it has raised my awareness too to the awful things that happen for someone who gets this fatal neurodegenerative disease.

Although at the same time and I really don't mean to sound as cold as ice water, but I don't want to feel pressured into giving or doing something that I don't want to do. Ever. 

Happy birthday Dad #2

It may be a pointless thing to write or it may not be. I am not sure. But he would have been 65 today.

When I first started going out at around 18 years old there was one night where I got home at about 2:30am in the morning with me having to go to college the next day. I didn't start drinking alcohol until  a few months before then and my limit was about three drinks. I may have had four that night as I was pretty out of it.

I wasn't used to alcohol back then.

I was hungry. Very hungry.

Is this what alcohol did?

I looked in the freezer and there was a pack of chic-sticks. I could shove a few in the oven and maybe have a fifteen minute nap until they were done! What a great idea. It was cold. I also had to put the heater on in the front room.

So about twenty minutes later, I heard these heavy footsteps pounding down the stairs and I just thought "shit". Then I remember my dad shouting at me in a booming thunderous voice. Something like "COLLEGE IN THE MORNING, WHAT TIME DO YOU CALL THIS!?" etc. My head was hurting a bit.

Is this what alcohol did?

He then asked me what the hell that burning smell was. I told him I couldn't smell anything. But I could really. My chic-sticks were burning. Then it was something like "YOU PUT FOOD IN THE OVEN AT THIS TIME AND THEN YOU FALL ASLEEP ON THE SOFA WITH BOTH THE HEATER AND OVEN ON!?"

Then he said "Do you want me to order you some food? I'll give you some money."

Pride IS prejudice

It's not a typo.

It is the end of pride weekend again in Manchester. Every year, the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people have a festival where they celebrate their lives/the way they choose to live.

I have always believed that no matter who you are, whatever your circumstances, finding happiness and acceptance is possible. I don't know the answers as to how. But SOMEHOW it is possible. Only sometimes a person can be blinded by things that they may say they are totally against to stop themselves in finding TRUE happiness.

Philosophical but back to the point. The Pride festival takes place on canal street every year on a bank holiday weekend where they fence up the outer parts of the street and then charge around £25 for people to enter the street to be able to enjoy what I imagine (if you were into the music that gets played there and all the other stuff) quite an amazing night. Everyone that goes to this festival seems to have an incredible night. Extortionate prices so surely you have to have a good night? Or you have to tell yourself you have a good night. I have yet to meet a person that said it was bad.

There have been times when I have been through canal street and the bouncers on every door have stopped me from entering the bar on which they were guarding. Why wasn't I allowed in? Was it because it was too full? No. Was it because I was too drunk? No. Was it because I wasn't dressed appropriately? No. Any of these reasons, I could accept. The reason I wasn't allowed in any of these places was because I'm not gay, bisexual or a transgender or a transsexual. The bouncer would tell me "members only." Once I was with a couple of friends and it was pouring down with typical Manchester rain and door after door we were being turned away with "members only." One of my friends didn't know what those code words meant and after being turned away five times started losing patience "how are we supposed to become members if we can't get in anywhere in the first place?!" He was even more annoyed after it was explained to him what those code words actually meant. The one place that did let us in said we would have to sit upstairs AWAY from everyone else. There was the three of us, a small bar, one disgruntled barman and the rest of the room was completely empty whilst the downstairs part was full of music, atmosphere, frolics and the rest of it. Not only that, but at midnight we were told that the upstairs part was closing-thinking we would then be able to go downstairs, we were then asked to leave the premises instead. Last orders for the downstairs part was 3am.

Last week my friend got approached in Canal Street by some thug like woman who shouted at her "What are you doing in here?! You're not a lesbian?!" My other quick thinking friend said "She's er... she's er... SHE'S BI-CURIOUS.

So can you imagine on the flip-side if there was a gay person who went into a pub and was turned away for being gay? Can you imagine if a bouncer said to this person "members only" and when challenged, the bouncer would then say "no gays." It would be in the news. On the front page:-

"Uproar as homophobic bar refuses to serve gay people."

The reaction would be huge. People would boycott the place, there would be protests, fights, riots!

Maybe I am going a bit too far. But the point is that this is no different from a person who isn't gay, getting turned away from a gay bar.

I understand that there are a lot of haters out there. A lot of homophobic people. A lot of people who don't even understand transgenders, never mind accepting and respecting them for who they are and that maybe gays, lesbians, bisexual and transgenders feel safe in an environment where they will be accepted. They wouldn't want their haven to attract people who are afraid of the unfamiliar to then maybe take some kind of hatred out on them. I do understand that. I get hate because I am Indian. I get hate because I support Manchester United. I even get misunderstood through the choice of music I listen too. I also understand wanting to be accepted. Wanting for people to understand.

But at the same time, accepting a person for who they are and what they choose to do with their lives will never be understood by a lot of people because of what society is doing to itself. Maybe there will come a day when a person can go anywhere they like without being judged, hated or misunderstood.

Without having to be a certain type of person just to be accepted.

Then and now.

How times have changed from this time ten years ago:-

Then:-

When I used to walk through Market Street in Manchester, no matter which way I was walking, EVERYONE was walking in the opposite direction towards me.

Now:-

When I walk through Market Street in Manchester, no matter which way I walk, EVERYONE is walking in the opposite direction towards me whilst text messaging on their phones.

Then:-

I had friends.

Now:-

I have acquaintances.

Then:-

I used to believe in true love.

Now:-

I don't.

Then:-

I couldn't believe how horrible, nasty and selfish people could be.

Now:-

I'm used to how horrible, nasty and selfish people can be.

Then:-

People would get up and protest for things that they disapproved of:-

Now:-

People will think that they are humanitarians after they have expressed their views on twitter.

Then:-

I was the man. I was something to a lot of people.

Now:-

I am nobody.

A visit from the afterlife? No, it's just a pigeon.

Since sometime last year, nearly everyday there has been a pigeon visiting the back yard in my mothers' house where I live. It's a chubby little thing and ridiculously just waddles around the yard like it owns it. I've now started to leave bread out.

I'm miserable most of the time. I am well and truly down and see the negative side of almost anything. And even though pigeons are really dirty scavengers, I actually genuinely feel happy when it is there. I laugh sometimes and I smile. But I am hardly ever genuinely happy. Granted, it is only for  minute or so but still.

It reminded me of this amazing scene in Lost. Please watch from 23:00-25:55.

http://www.tvids.net/watch103/Lost/season-01-episode-16-Outlaws

Now I'm not saying that the pigeon is a visit from the afterlife. In the words of John Locke:

"That would be silly."

But for some reason when it is there, I feel like it should be there and that it's not just a pigeon-even though it clearly is. When I try and approach it, it of course flies off. That's what pigeons do.

And in some way that isn't explainable, I feel happy when I see it.

They used to have dreams too.

Years ago when I used to work in pubs during the day times, I always used to wonder what the people in there were thinking.

It could be a nice sunny day outside. What were these people doing in a dark, dinghy pub drinking alcohol and wasting away their day-wasting away their LIVES in here??

I would get into a lot of trouble from my manager when I would try to tell them that they should do something productive, something constructive, just...SOMETHING. "They are our customers!" My manager would yell. "They pay your wages! Stop trying to save their lives!"

I never understood what these people were thinking. I know people can do whatever they like with their lives, but why this?? Why just choose to be completely worthless??

I USED to think this. But it's only now that I am beginning to understand.

I think sometimes people just give up. They give up with trying. There could be times where no matter what you do, things just don't seem to work out. You see everyone else around you living their lives, seemingly happy. This is fine for them! It's good that they are happy. But in their happiness, are they oblivious or do they become oblivious to you??

So what about yourself?? What if you just feel like your life isn't going anywhere and not matter what you try to do, things just seem to go wrong. Surely there is only SO MUCH that a person can do and only SO MANY times that a person can keep trying? Why always try and be positive when it always ends up in disappointment??

I understand why they do this.

100th blog post!

8553 views (my own views don't count as I have the "don't track my own page views" permanently marked), 46 comments and 14 followers.

I started this blog on the 12th of September 2010 and so after three years and eight months of writing, moaning, bitching and even some philosophical and emotional posting, this is my hundredth blog post!

The one that has had the most views is this:-

http://muksblogaboutstuff.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/underage-girls-should-not-dress-like.html

The one with the least views is...well this one as I haven't posted it yet. But from one that I have posted not (including my last one as it hasn't been that long) it is this one:-

http://muksblogaboutstuff.blogspot.co.uk/2011/07/succeed-or-fail.html

With all the crazy thoughts I have in my head, I am amazed that it has taken me all this time to get to one hundred. I'm also amazed that I only have fourteen followers! Is that all!?!? Ha ha. And only forty six comments?? I intentionally don't reply to comments because if my blog ever became a worldwide phenomenon, I may end up getting thousands of comments and would struggle to reply to them all. I could of course hire a pretty assistant to reply to them for me but it wouldn't be the same if it wasn't from me. Not personal enough you see.

Anyway, for this landmark moment I am going to put my top five favourite blog posts. It was weird looking back and reading some of the things that I had wrote. And I also realised that I am not that great a writer! I don't think I am anyway.

So without further ado, here is my top five in reverse order. I will add a link and write a bit about them:-

It's depressing. It's sad. It's a goodbye:-

http://muksblogaboutstuff.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/goodbye-dad.html

Then comes this. It was amazing that I actually got a reply. Not so amazing that I didn't get the job:-

http://muksblogaboutstuff.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/job-application-for-manchester-united.html

In third place a short and sweet one. It was so strange writing this as I felt that I was completely and utterly lost. But writing this actually made me feel a bit better:-

http://muksblogaboutstuff.blogspot.co.uk/2011/09/burning-pages.html

In second place is this one. I think the amazing comment I received from someone I didn't and most probably will never know helped push this post up:-

http://muksblogaboutstuff.blogspot.co.uk/2012/04/identity-crisis.html

This is my favourite blog post that I have written. I did so much research and enjoyed the fascinating things that I found out:-

http://muksblogaboutstuff.blogspot.co.uk/2012/01/time-travel.html

And that's it!

Thank you to all my readers and thank you to all of you that commented.

I will see you at 200.

Frogs on a lily pad.

I've never heard this story before for whatever reason, even though it is very popular. I should share it as I thought it was pretty awesome. This is word for word what someone messaged me years ago. (I didn't read the message until today).

Two frogs are sitting on a lily pad. One of them decided to jump in a pond.

How many frogs are still on the lily pad??

TWO!!

One of the frogs "decided" to jump, but he never actually jumped!

The moral of this story is you need to TAKE ACTION!! Do something and do it today! The longer you wait, the more miserable your life will become. The sooner you act, the sooner you can start the long, hard journey to putting your life back together. Things WILL get better! You just have to take that first step!

My reply from Manchester United football club.

"Hi, 

Thank you for your recent email regarding the role of First Team Manager at Manchester United.

This role is currently being recruited and the board will be in contact with suitable candidates. 

We would like to thank you once again for sending in your application and thinking of Manchester United.

Kind Regards

Group Human Resources"



I tried.

Short and sweet. Notice the "Hi". I write an amazing professional email and I get a "Hi". 

They don't know what they missed out on.

Job application for Manchester United football club.

To whomever this may concern.

I am writing to you in regards to the current vacancy for the position of Manager of Manchester United football club. I wish to apply for this vacancy.

I have previous management experience, mostly in retail, bars and hospitality and I know what it takes to get the best out of my staff-something that the last manager seemed to have no idea about.

I have been a lifelong Manchester United fan and have followed this great club through thick and thin and feel that I have what it takes to manage this club. I know for a fact that I will not be as bad as the last manager and feel that I would definitely secure champions league football for the season after next. I am also confident that in my first season in charge, I could at least win one trophy-something the last manager has never achieved in all his days as a manager.

As well as all this, I would not waste ridiculous amounts of money on players who are not worthy to wear the Manchester United shirt-for example Marouane Fellaini.

Nor will I be held to ransom by players who get too demanding, want to play every single game and never want to be substituted and then have utterly disgraceful games-for example Wayne Rooney.

Also along with this, I will personally make sure that transfer deals are fully complete and not be turned into a total embarrassment.

I am passionate, fair and have great tactical awareness. I will do what is best for the squad. I will play the team I pick in a positive way-the way Manchester United should play. With excitement, personality and with penetration. All traits that the last manager had none of.

I am also willing to be paid one percent of what the last manager was on.

Yes that is right. One percent.

And I am guaranteeing silverware and champions league football.

I realise this season has been a tough one for players, staff and fans alike and I feel that I would be a a suitable candidate to bring back the glory days to Old Trafford and to leave a legacy that football has not even seen yet.

I understand that MR Ryan Giggs is to be taking over for the rest of the season. I would like to wish him best of luck. I hope you will consider me for the start of next season.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope you will be in contact with me soon.

Mukesh Dhimar.

I can't afford to buy things from charity shops!

These days (I sound 100 years old now don't I?) it is so easy for some kind of trend to start. Mostly it stems from some online buzz. For example right at the minute, it seems to be some drinking game that people are dying from and before that some weird game you can get on phones. Whoopee. Something for the masses to talk about. Something for them to feel like they are with the "in crowd".

Something utterly pointless.

I thought one trend that would have stopped which hasn't, is people buying things from charity shops. Not that there is anything wrong whatsoever in buying things from charity shops. But the problem is a few years ago when a few world famous couples went into charity shops to donate some of their clothes, there seemed to be a massive surge of people who were all of a sudden "doing their bit" by purchasing things from charity shops because it's "all for a good cause" and because "you can find some amazing bargains" and also because some people may be hopeful that they could actually own some celebrities' garment to wear, smell or do whatever they felt necessary in order to...feel closer to them.

There used to be a time when you could go into a charity shop and pick up bargains. You would of course get what you paid for. A ragged hat for 50p, a torn up bow-tie for 25p or a book with half the pages ripped for 10p.

Now charity shops aren't even charity shops. Everything is so expensive! A hat I saw for £27, a tie for £14 and books are behind displayed glass cases for prices that I didn't even want to look twice at.

I saw a dress in the window which was £450. Four hundred and fifty pounds! What the hell??

They have volunteers but managers get paid a full-time wage so they have to make vast amounts of profit and the volunteers get free tickets for festivals and the theatre and whatever else they may be interested in and fuck me isn't it COOL to volunteer in a charity shop.

For customers, buying from these shops is FASHIONABLE. It's FASHIONABLE to pay for overpriced goods, it's FASHIONABLE to tell your friends "I bought this from a charity shop, HOW FUCKING FASHIONABLE AM I and also VINTAGE. Oh I am so VINTAGE."

Gone are the days of the actual humble charity shop where decent people used to go in as they simply couldn't afford to buy clothes, books or whatever else from the, simply because they hardly had any money and couldn't afford to go into normal stores.

There are two Oxfam stores on Oldham Street in Manchester. One is called Oxfam essentials and there is nothing "essential" in the shop whatsoever. The other is called Oxfam EMPORIUM. It should just be called "EMPORIUM" without the Oxfam.

The sad thing about the whole situation is the delusion it creates for people who think they doing something awesome and hip by buying stupidly overpriced bollocks in these shops when there are people out there with no clothes and no means to buy any. These charity shops should be for them so the little money that they may come across, they can maybe buy some much needed clothing to help live.

Instead the rich posh idiots are now going in INSTEAD of it being a win-win situation where people can get rid of any items they may not want so poorer people can get something that they need with the money going to charity-not to "managers" of the shops.

There have also been cases of clothing being found cheaper in normal department stores and more expensive in these "charity" shops. Do some staff buy clothes from these department stores and then sell them on for a profit that they can pocket?

It's just another blow for the poorer people in this world. It doesn't surprise me that people turn to stealing if they can't afford to buy anything from what is supposed to be something that was created for them.

A piece of writing that I am proud of.

An email to my mothers' solicitor.

For some reason I felt it appropriate to put on here.  

Why the fuck not? Here it is:-

Hello. No need for me to tell you who this is as you can probably tell from my name. I can imagine the name "Dhimar" turns the pupils in your eyes into pound signs. 

First of all, I would like to make a request in that you don't go to mandirs (temples) and broadcast about you "winning the case". I can't believe a place of worship even has solicitors coming in for speeches in the first place. That is sickening in itself. What is more sickening is how you told everyone there about this case. Even though you didn't mention any names, the Indian community is fairly small and close knit. Everyone knows each other and can put two and two together. I really don't want to go onto the street and have another person come up to me asking about my fathers' money and what happened to it and why you were involved. 

As I wasn't at the temple when you said this, I am unsure as to whether you were bragging/showing off about it or whether you were just being really unprofessional and quite frankly, idiotic to mention your confidential dealings. 

It is either one of the two. Either way, you should not be talking about confidential matters in public like that. Or it could be that there is some part of you that actually enjoyed being a part of something as horrific as this.

Secondly, not that it means anything to you but I miss my dad. So does my sister. Personally for myself, I have had trouble eating when I am at "home" for the past six months. I am fine when I am outdoors or at a friends but when I am at home, I just cannot eat. I have always had trouble sleeping (since I was 16 years old or so) and now eating too. I had to go to the Doctors' three times as it was really affecting my health. I was crying in my sleep and then I developed breathing problems. 

And then my mother went to you to get the hands on the money my dad wanted me and my sister to have. 

Obviously it is your job to help my mother. I understand that. You have to earn a living even if it is going against a dead mans' wishes. You have to feed your own kids etc. 

My dad didn't want my mum having any of this money. Originally me and my sister were going to share it with her anyway as we both know how much money means to her.

For about nine months or so I have been out of work and I moved back home. It has not been easy at all for various reasons. I am used to working and most of my working life I worked two jobs. There was a time when I was working in four places at once and there were days when I would wake up and forget which job I was supposed to be that. Luckily I am temping at the minute.

Contrary to what my mum may have told you, my dad paid the bills. My dads' name was on ALL the bills. Every single one of them. Whilst I was working, I used to give my dad some money. OF COURSE I used to do this. My dad really hated taking money from me and he would very reluctantly accept. It is only right as much as he thought it was wrong. When I was out of work, he flat out refused to take anything from me and I accepted this as it was more difficult for me to do this with hardly any income. 

After my dad passed away, it was obviously the worst thing to ever have happened. I'm not sure if you have had a parent that has passed away so I can't say if you know what it is like. I'm not sure if either of your parents are like my mother either. Everything was so surreal as it still is. My sister was coming over a lot and me her and my mum were together a lot of the times. Anything that occurred in the past had been forgotten. I will get to what I mean by that later. 

Even though I didn't have a job, I was paying for the phone, TV and internet bills (all in one with Virgin Media). Ironically I hardly EVER use the phone and I hardly EVER watch the TV. One day whilst I was out, she told my sister to come round and to put it back in her name. I never understood why she did this until I realised that it obviously made it look like she was paying for everything and that would help YOU get her the money that was entitled to me and my sister. Maybe you are even that intelligent to have told her to do this. Maybe.

About 2 months before my dad passed away, my mum asked my dad about the death in service. She told him that she didn't want him to have it. My dad said he didn't have it. The reason he told her this was because he didn't want my mum to have ANY of it. He already knew that my mum was absolutely loaded (six bank accounts) and that if any money was to be left, it would go to me and my sister and our future. My sister has a mortgage to pay and I have struggled the past year or so. I don't eat much at home anymore but I do buy my own food. I contributed to the bills. You of course wouldn't want this to be true as it would make it easier for you to claim the money in saying that I didn't help with the bills. 

But as I stated, my dad wanted me and my sister to have it and NOT my mum. You have gone against a dead mans' wishes. But as I have said, you are doing your job and I want to clarify as much as you might tell yourself different, I want to clarify that this isn't about the money. I repeat, this is NOT about the money. To YOU and to my mum it is. NOTHING or NO AMOUNT OF MONEY can bring my dad back. You and my mother clearly care more about the money than about my dad. Fair enough. 

But to me and my sister, it is about our dads' last wish. If he wanted it to go to mum, I would have accepted it and me nor my sister wouldn't have even dreamed of doing something as sick as getting a solicitor to claim something that isn't ours from a family member! Hence neither of us appealed against the decision. We wouldn't stoop to that level. It is unthinkable to me.

I have spoken to my mum once since. I told her to leave me alone as I found it hard and still do to speak to her. My sister doesn't speak to her at all as she is as horrified as I am. 

Now you may be thinking why on Earth my dad wouldn't want any money going to my mum. 

As I said, she is already loaded. After he passed away, she bought a new carpet, new sofas and is getting a new car and this is BEFORE the Death in Service even came to light. She had everything from his bank account (with most of the funeral costs being refunded).

But along with that, my mum used to call my dad a "bastard" a "dog" and all sorts of names whilst they were married. She has and always calls me them too. She has always opened my mail when the post arrives. She used to do it too my sisters' mail too which was one of the many reasons why she moved out. I'm sure you already know (being a high flying solicitor) that it is in fact illegal to open anyone elses' mail. One of my letters was an urgent hospital appointment. An urgent PRIVATE hospital appointment which she opened and hid away from me. The actual main reason my sister moved out was that she was bullied by our mum.

I am guessing that Park Cake Bakeries didn't ask my dad to update his Death in Service. Or he might have said to just leave it as it is as he didn't realise that you have to update it even if you are wanting to keep the same person(s) on it. So maybe this was used by yourself to get it. Park cakes obviously have to look out for themselves hence maybe they crumbled. Again- Maybe.

I know this doesn't matter to you and you might even think that this is funny. My mum slams doors and throws things around the room. This can affect a person ESPECIALLY in the long term so can you imagine how my dad was like having to live with this the majority of his life. He was bullied as am I and as was my sister. Having what was rightfully entitled to me would have given me the chance for a deposit. I could have gotten away from this.

About 2 and a half years before my dad passed away, he had to have an operation on his heart. He got through this but as his diet wasn't always healthy, I knew something bad was going to happen again soon as a lot of my uncles have been passing away recently (and before the pupils in your eyes turn into pound signs again, no, they have got all their finances sorted already). 

I kept repeatedly saying to my mum to go to India to see the relatives because he might not make it again if something else happens. She always used to say "Eee dog ne sathe kaun javanoo" meaning "who's going to go with that dog?" 

Do you speak like that to your husband or kids?

He used to go to the pub on Friday nights and then always rush back home before my mum got in from work as he wasn't allowed to enjoy his life. He used to get stressed out about how mum would act. This really worried me as I know she always got under his skin. She wouldn't pick him up from the pub as I requested EVEN THOUGH AFTER SHE FINISHED WORK AT 10PM, SHE WOULD DRIVE PAST IT. He used to rush home in a taxi.

She used to ask my dad- "When are you going to fucking die?" This was constant. 

Constantly fucking asking it. 

And he is dead now. Is she happy? Are you happy? 

In some ways, the only way to get away from an abusive person is Death. It is horrible to say I know but in some ways, maybe it was the best thing that could have happened to him as at the time of his Death, he had 18 months left before he retired and then what? Stay at home to be verbally and emotionally abused even more? I am sure and I cannot shake off the feeling that maybe my dad had this in mind before he did pass away. 

Why live a life of abuse when you can just...go away?

She called him a "dog" and a "Bastard" repeatedly since I was a child and probably way before I was born too. 

The mortgage on the house is paid off. My mum could sell the house and get a smaller one and have about £50,000 in the bank. 

She bought a new carpet, new sofas and is getting a new car. I am struggling to get a bus pass for work. 

As I said, I know you don't care and somebody like you who is in it PURELY to get money for herself so this whole email could just be pointless. You could just laugh it off. You could even go to the temple and start telling everybody about it and have a good laugh about it. Because you're clearly THAT professional.

Right?

I could write a lot more about the marriage, the bullying, the emotional abuse. Part of me is worried that you might go to the temple and tell everyone.

Personally for myself, I feel that my dads' ashes cannot be scattered right now. I do not know if there is a God out there. I do not know if there is an afterlife. I do not really know what I believe in but just in case that there is, there is no way that my father would ever rest in peace with all this taking place. With money being stolen from me and my sister. 

Thank you for reading this.

Mukesh.

Staring down the barrel of a gun

Unfortunately, this isn't a metaphor.

A few days ago I went to the bookmakers near my house to place some bets on the weekend football. I really enjoy doing a few bets here and there and then watching the scores and live goals on Sky Sports. Anyway, I went into the shop quite late knowing that it would be quiet and that I could focus on and study the football coupons. There was just me as a customer. Two cashiers. One of them was playing a demo on the machine so she was on the shop floor. This particular machine being right next to the counter. She was very big. The size of a small new born baby elephant. Though not as nice looking. The other cashier was about 200 years old.

It was about 8pm and it was very quiet apart from the awful American commentator on the races and the machine the elephant was playing. In come two people. Fully dressed in shell suits with masks and a strip across their eyes. You couldn't see their eye colour, their skin colour or the colour of their hair. Nothing.

Oh and they had guns.

"Everyone co-operate and nobody will get hurt."

This bookmakers is very small and everything happened really fast. To get to the counter they would have to go past me and I had completely frozen. They did go past me. Right past me and straight to the counter. The elephant started screaming for her work colleague who was behind the counter and who then proceeded to run into the back room locking herself in. I could still hear the elephant scream as I dashed out of the shop while the armed robbers had their backs to me.

My heart was thudding like crazy in my chest. I couldn't leave the pachyderm and the 200 year old there like that. I probably should have ran and got as far away as possible but as soon as I got out of the shop I turned the corner and called 999.

Before I even got through, the robbers had come out of the shop and had ran to the other side of the road that I was on and then they saw me and screamed at me to "drop the phone."

I've always been crazy stubborn. My whole life I have ALWAYS been crazy stubborn. I didn't drop the phone. At first.

I put the phone away from my ear and tried to put it on speaker phone so if anything had happened at least then it would be heard.

One of them pointed his gun at me and again screamed at me:-

"Drop the phone or we will fucking smoke you."

I'm not really educated on street talk but as he was still pointing his gun at me, I assumed 'smoke' meant 'shoot'. The other robber started running towards me. He wasn't pointing  his gun at me. He had it held down but he was coming at me really fast. So I slipped the phone in my pocket and put my hands up.

The other one who was pointing the gun at me then shouted for his accomplice to "let's go." And so they did. Running down the street and disappearing into the rainy night just as fast as they had appeared. I went straight for my phone again and walked the ten metres or so back towards the bookmakers whilst calling 999 again just as a car was pulling up and the shutter was coming down.

A guy came out of the car and asked me why the shutter was down. I asked him how he could have missed what just happened. He didn't understand what I was talking about. I told him and he said "Fuck that" and got in the car and disappeared into the rainy night just as fast as he had appeared. The shutter stared opening just as I got through to the police. I proceeded to tell them what happened and when I told them the address, they couldn't locate it on their computers. Then they realised that I had been put through to a police department 200 miles away. The 200 year old let me back into the bookmakers. The elephant was on the phone to the police so I just hung up. Nobody was hurt. Everybody was shaken up.

The police eventually came. Along with CID and CSI and whatever else. I think there were about 14 of them in total that came and went. One had a huge gun himself. I gave two statements. It took 3 hours. A couple of the questions I got asked were ridiculous. Questions like "what did the armed robbers do when you ran out of the shop?" How the hell could I answer that when I had ran out of the shop?? "What kind of guns did they have?" I know nothing about guns. Small. Pistols?? Ones that shoot bullets that could kill??

After what seemed like a long time, one of the police women said it was nice to meet me and said I cold go home and that they would be in touch. It was only when I was halfway home that I couldn't even believe that they didn't offer me a lift. Classic police I guess. A lot of things written down in notepads and not much use at all.

When I did get home I was shaking. But I have no idea why. It wasn't as if a gun was fired. I had a shower. Ate. Still shaking until I opened a big bottle of Tiger beer. It is amazing how beer can make things better. A few days later and I still feel a bit strange. The police had told me I would be feeling some post trauma shit for a few weeks and if that I ever wanted some counselling then to blah blah blah etc.

The bottom line is I am alive. Life is Life and Death is Death. Life is something and Death is nothing. A couple of people have said it is a new lease of life. But I really don't feel like that. Weirdly I don't really know what or how I feel.

Thomas the tank engine is bad for kids! What on earth??

This is almost as stupid and bizarre as no samosas being allowed in Somalia:-

http://muksblogaboutstuff.blogspot.co.uk/2011/09/no-samosas-in-somalia.html

I read this a few weeks ago but just have had no time to write a post on it so I am doing it now and it goes nicely in with my last post on equality and diversity. 

So some absolute idiot from the government thinks that Thomas the tank engine is bad for children because it represents a "national scandal and the negative stereotypes from this kids show were partly to blame."

This woman claims that there are hardly any female train drivers because of Thomas the tank engine. 

Also this absolute idiot of a woman said "In the Thomas the tank engine books, there are almost no female engines. The only female characters are an annoyance, a nuisance and in some cases a danger to the functioning of a railway."

Where do I begin?

This is clearly a woman who is a moron. 

Firstly, there are actually quite a few females in Thomas the tank engine. But that isn't the thing I want to talk about. 

The fact that this woman said this just goes to show how fucking stupid the people that are looking to run this country are. If this is a "national scandal" and this is what this silly woman wants to address then I have to say that I fear more for the future than ever. 

How can a person like this become trusted as an MP? People actually VOTE for this woman?? I have never voted. I will never ever vote. 

Also another problem with the absurd statement that she made is that where would it end? 

Imagine if the makers of Thomas the tank engine introduced more female characters because of this. Does that mean kids shows like Bratz would have to have more men in them?? Male horses in My little pony?? X-men should be titled X-ladies and gentlemen??

Does it mean wacky races should be blamed for road rage?? Yogi bear being blamed for picnic basket theft?? And going back to Thomas the tank engine-does this mean we have to blame the fat controller for obesity??

The MP who said this is Mary Creagh. 

Mary. You are a ridiculous pathetic idiot.

Equality and diversity IS NOT equality and diversity.

People are sometimes just so strange and hypocritical.

I guess it is difficult to not label, stereotype or judge people. Some people actually label, stereotype and judge people who are OVERLY TRYING not to do exactly that. They think that they are saying the right things when saying things like:-

"It doesn't matter what colour you are."

"Everybody looks the same to me. I am colourblind."

"White people tend to have more fun. They are chilled."

They don't even realise it. They are hypocrites and don't even know it. These are three things that have been said to me this week.

Have you ever filled or read an application form of some sort where at the end there is always a bit to fill in that asks you what age you are, what sex, what ethnicity etc. It always says that you don't have to fill it in and that it is optional but something like it helps them monitor something? I don't know. But anyway the point is, if you don't have to fill it in, why do they ask? It shouldn't matter what age, sex, ethnicity you are as long as you are right for the job! Surely? Some forms will actually say that they "encourage equality and diversity" and will then hire a mix of females/males/black/white etc etc etc.

But that isn't right surely? The best person for the job should always be the person who gets it.

Take young children. Small toddlers. They would play with whoever was put in front of them. Any child. In other words, they aren't racist. It's only as they get older that they learn about racism, sexism etc. But they only learn because society is that fucked up. They make it an issue. "Oh don't play with him as he is"such a such" and "don't play with her as she is from" wherever.

I am currently doing a teacher training course and for one whole lesson (we have four hour lessons) we had to "discuss the importance of addressing ethnicity, equality and diversity".

What the hell?

The fact that we had to waste so much time doing this was annoying but what was worse was that people didn't seem to realise that talking about equality and diversity is COMPLETELY the opposite of what we should be doing if race ethnicity creed etc didn't and shouldn't matter! If it didn't and shouldn't matter as they were saying, then we wouldn't be having the discussion.

Trying to be moral and talking about it not mattering is the only reason why it is made to matter!

In that particular lesson, we had to discuss in small groups about this subject before we would talk about it as a whole class and I didn't say anything for ages until the tutor asked my opinion as I hadn't spoken. I then told her I thought that it was unbelievable that we were even having this lesson and that equality and diversity shouldn't be a thing. It should all be about each person. Each person and assessing what it is to make them able to be the best student and bringing out their potential. Talking about it is the one thing we shouldn't be doing as it is so hypocritical. A couple of people then agreed with me and understood what I was saying. Just a couple. But it is better than nobody at all. And today we got told that there might be some moderators coming in soon who will pick a couple of people at "random" to be asked how the course is going. Apparently, these moderators pick people with "unusual names" or in other words names which won't be English.

Again, how messed up is this?

Of course I like expressing my opinion and would like to be asked how it is going, but just because my name is different doesn't mean my opinion should be more valued than anybody else! (I can't believe that I am actually complaining about having my opinion listened to.)

I understand completely about differentiation and about individual learning needs for people and I may be coming across as hypocritical myself as now I am the one who is talking/writing about equality and diversity but I am trying to get across that every person should be treated as an individual and not categorised or labelled.

Just to clarify, the more people try to address "equality and diversity", the longer it will take to actually treat and be treated as equals.

2013

2013. The year of transition. The year of change. A lot of change.

My dad passes away. My mums' full blown crazy side comes out.

Nelson Mandela dies. Lou Reed dies. And to a lesser extent, Margret Thatcher also dies. There were a lot of deaths in fact. Too many. I feel exhausted all of a sudden for some reason? In America more people died from suicides than in car accidents.

Some sport things that happened:-

Sir Alex Ferguson retired as Manchester United manager. Sachin Tendulker retires from cricket. SO MUCH CHANGE.

Oscar Pistorius is charged for murdering his girlfriend.

Other stuff include Tesco using horse meat. It didn't stop customers from shopping there. I remember in hospital after my dad had his stroke and he said he can't wait to eat and that he would eat anything apart from horse meat.

Another load of new phones come out. More games consoles. All expensive.

I don't hear my neighbours' 27 year old daughter with her horrific whiny voice through the walls anymore as she went to New Zealand. I workes with a B-list celebrity for a while. She couldn't handle constructive criticism and was a dick.

Currently a recorded Jools Holland show is playing in the background on the countdown to "midnight". There are fireworks that I can hear from outside. There is that familiar empty feeling that passes over me when that Auld Lang Syne song comes on. My phone is going off a few times. A "Happy new year" message people send to everyone in their phonebook.

I have brandy and red wine. That is all.

A few categories I am making up moments, winners and losers of 2013. This is just my personal stuff:-

Best moment of the year - My one and only date with Jenna. Fuck knows where she is now.

Worst moment of the year - My dad passing away.

Bets sports person of the year - Andy Murray for winning Wimbledon.

Best song of the year - Afterlife by Arcade Fire.

Most grotesque person of the year - Miley Cyrus (previous winners include Katy Perry and Cheryl Cole).

Most awe-inspiring moment - When I saw The Minack Theatre.

Least awe-inspiring moment - TV.

Some quotes of the year:-

"I made a strong choice that in no way diminishes my femininity." - Angelina Jolie after her double mastectomy.

"I was never asked, did you see her in person?" - Manti T'eo after finding out his girlfriend who he had met on Twitter wasn't real.

"I'm basically the healthiest fat guy you've ever seen." - New Jersey governor Chris Christie whilst eating a doughnut on late-night TV.

"I don't want to live in a world where everything I say, everything I do, everyone I talk to, every expression of creativity of love or friendship is recorded." - Edward Snowden, on the U.S government monitoring Internet usage.

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly." - Michelle Knight to the Cleveland police department after they rescued her. One of three captives held prisoner for ten years in Ohio.

"We seek a future when a child can walk down the street and not worry that others see him as dangerous because of the colour of his skin." - Tracy Martin after George Zimmerman was acquitted of murdering his son, Trayvon.

"One has more expenses for the hairdryer than the other." - Fifa president Sepp Blatter on comparing Ronaldo and Messi. And also "We now have three ladies on board. Say something ladies! You are always speaking at home. Say something now!" - To three ladies who were elected to the FIFA executive committee.

I guess I have nothing more to say. 2013 was a pretty shit year. I am not into the whole new year thing at all. You can change your life for the better ANY DAY of your life if you chose to. But regardless of that I am glad 2013 is over.

See what 2014 brings.