About 9 years ago, someone who was in my class at college said to me "Mukesh, I think what you need to do is to find yourself. You need to find yourself Mukesh." He then went on to say "I am really good at giving advice". So I asked him. "If I need to find myself, how would I go about doing it?" He replied "I don't know. Maybe go on holiday".
Thanks.
So after a lot of jobs, after meeting a lot of people-some of them amazing, some of them fucking idiots-what now? I am in the same place that I was 9 years ago when I left college. Actually, no I am not in the same place-there are a few things that are different. I am older, I have more knowledge of a lot of things including how horrible and vile people can be (even though I was bullied all the way back in school-I have discovered that there are a lot more different ways to be horrible and vile), also a knowledge that not everyone in the world is bad and that there are a few people in the world who are truly inspiring. That is always good to know. I've had lot of work experience. But apart from all that, I am in the same place. At home. With my parents but worse, in debt and also putting myself under a hell of a lot of pressure to try and do something with my life. Feeling stressed more so then I was 9 years ago. Not good.
I've been a drama student, a shop assistant, a barman, a supervisor, a receptionist, a loner, a gambler, a loser, an underachiever. So the question I find that I am constantly asking myself isn't "What am I going to do now?"
But it's "Who am I?"
65 days earlier when I lost my job, I thought it would give me some kind of opportunity to "find myself" as some idiot once told me to do. Oh but wait, I can't go on holiday as I have no money and my passport is out of date. Are there any other ways I could "find myself"? Currently, I just feel insignificant. Pointless. Someone actually asked me today "What do you do now?" Even though I have said it's not what I do but who I am that is more important, I was still a bit affected, annoyed, not happy when I had to reply "Nothing."
I've never understood the whole concept of "plodding along". People keep saying it. Why would you just want to "plod along" and not be someone in life? How can people be content with this?
I guess that a lot of people these days really don't care about that kind of stuff. As long as they don't miss their awful soaps or their terrible "reality" TV shows then they are happy. What a weird way to live life. I really hope one day soon, TV would just stop existing. For about a year at least. But saying that, recently, I am only happy when I am in a pub. With drink. With friends. Or when I am inspired to play my guitar. I guess it's each to their own. Whatever makes you happy makes you happy. Regardless of how pathetic it might seem.
At the minute, I don't know what I am going to do and I am scared that life will just pass me by and I will soon be dead. I keep thinking about the few moments before death and how disappointed I would feel with myself.
So who am I? I don't know. The search for myself continues.
