It's no secret that when you do something that you may think is good gets thrown back in your face. If not straight away, then soon. It's no secret that doing the right thing or what you think is the right thing gets you nowhere.
It's also no secret that there are people out there that ache everyday because of these things and these are good people who can't understand the injustice of this universe. They can't take the things that occur in life and so they choose to abandon life. And this to me is understandable.
Imagine thinking that you want to say and do the right thing and then constantly getting screwed for it. How would this make a person feel?
I'm not saying I'm right all the time. That would be foolish. Nobody can possibly ever be right all the time. It's impossible. But when you try to say and do the right thing and nothing still works out then what hope is there?
As horrific and as sad as it sounds, I'm one of those people that does believe that the world would be a beautiful place without people. I'm not saying that I'd like to wake up one morning to find that the rest of humanity had been eradicated. That would be sick. But what I am saying is that it's people and the choices people make that make me want to cease to exist.
But what can you do? I try. Trying isn't enough. I'm not perfect but I do always constantly want to better myself. Not for myself but for people I care about.
Unfortunately as stated, some people don't see this. Or they do see it but don't realise how much of a good quality this is in a person. And that's coming from someone who is never positive about himself ever.
I'm not saying that I'm a good person. That's not for me to say. Or to judge.
I've spent most of my life doubting myself. I've spent most of my life looking in the mirror and almost hating what looks back at me.
But today I think about things. More so than I normally do.
Screw the horrific animals that bullied me. Screw the three people who I borrowed money to in college to never get it back. Screw the bastard who was being chased by drug dealers who I helped. Screw the people who I've worked for who have done nothing but to TRY and take advantage of me. Screw the fact that my lady doesn't care that I don't speak to people who bad mouthed her. Screw that I walked home at 3am after a whole day of working just for her. Screw that I stood at the end of her street next to a frigging post box when she was feeling down in the hope that she may give me the opportunity to make her feel better.
No. These things are things that don't matter. They never have.
I've been trembling a lot. Since my father passed away 797 days ago, I've been trembling a lot when bad things happen. And as much as I disagreed with a lot of the things he said and/or did, at the end of the day, he still tried to say and do what he thought at the time was right.
And where did that get him? He is dead.
Where does it get anyone? Nowhere.
But as strange as this may sound, I do not want to change. I will still try and say and do what I think and believe is right at that time.
Regardless of the consequences.
