Goodbye 2020

2020. An absolutely awful year. It's crazy how it has completely changed life. 

There is currently a global pandemic. A lot of people are dying from it. The government seems to be in more of a state than ever. Nobody knows what's going to happen. My advice is to just go with the flow and see what happens and then just try and get through. I'm not one for all the new year shenanigans. Originally, I was going to walk to Dovestones again to the top of it for midnight but I was talked out of it. 

What I am going to do is use 2021 as a beacon of opportunity to try and do better and also feel better.

In 2020, I've been a bitter, jealous, spiteful and horrible human being. I'm not blaming certain things that have happened to make me feel like this but they have obviously played a part in it all. 

I split up with the love of my life TWICE. I really miss my dog that actually wasn't even mine. I've lived in four different places and have been very unsettled. I've been careless, thoughtless and reckless. I've been uncontrollably down sometimes. I was in a car accident when my ribs were already hurt. I went to the hospital because of an undescribable pain in my head where I thought that was it. I almost got run over by a motorcyclist when I walked out into a dual carriageway.

Halfway through the year, I found myself swearing a lot. I try never to swear but I was doing so. I was also saying things that didn't make any sense. Stupid things that were a bit docile. I had no focus at all. As well as this, I was also making silly little mistakes at work not just once or twice, but constantly. 

I couldn't think straight. And I couldn't talk to anyone. I could have talked but I didn't try hard enough to talk. And for a lot of things, it's too late now. 

There are things about me that I'm leaving behind in and with 2020. The bitterness, jealousy, spitefulness, horribleness, recklessness. It's ALL going. I said on one of my videos in my last post that I need to get back to how I used to be. 

I told my friend earlier that the highlight of the year was when I learned how to ride a bike. For those of you that don't know me, the first time I went on one as a child, I fell off and didn't go on one again until recently. Another highlight was when I saw the doggie that isn't mine after a few months. Lovely moment. 

There are things that can happen to everyone. Good and bad things. Sometimes more bad than good unfortunately, but it's how you deal with the bad situations that can make you the person that you are. And I want to be better. So good riddance to 2020 and all the bad stuff that has happened. I'm not saying from the first day of 2021, everything will be amazing because everything will just be the same! But I'm going to work more on helping things become amazing. Some things you can't control. 

But some things you can.

Christmas day at Dovestones.

So it is three days after Christmas day and it was a strange Christmas. It has been a strange year. An absolutely crazy year and so I decided to do something absolutely crazy on Christmas day. The following three pictures are hard to see but I walked a total of 27.41 kilometres (just over 17 miles) to the top of Dovestones and back. A total of 36, 876 steps. The total time I walked was 7 hours, 22 minutes and 51 seconds. I burned 1,807 calories. 

When I got to Dovestones, I went to the top of it the hard way. Off track. I realised that if something happened to me it probably would have been it as I was on my own. There are reasons I did this. I give a really brief and what is probably a nonsensical reason in the first video.

Most of the following are really short videos with descriptions of the walk.  

My reason to go to Dovestones on Christmas day. It wasn't going to be a nice day if I didn't do something which is why I wanted to do something a bit crazy that would keep me occupied for most of the day. This was at 9.36am. I'd only eaten a cookie and drank a cup of green tea.

9.42 am. Just some trees in the morning. How good do they look?

9.51am. I saw a house with pillars and a couple of small lion statues. It was a bit random and I don't really like taking pictures of peoples houses so I didn't but had to say something about the one I saw as it looked quite cool. 

9.55am. Don't take things for granted. The views and the surroundings are so lovely. 

9.55am Merry Christmas from a cyclist. I actually had my ear phones in and was listening to classical music but I heard him as I was just babbling for the previous post. 

9.55am. Cold and breath taking.

9.59 am. I didn't expect to bump into anyone here but I suppose it is a public footpath...

10.03am. Especially people who know me. I can't remember what their names are but they chatted for a couple of minutes. (Camera angles aren't great on this one.)

10.09am. An incredible picture and you can just about see Heartshed pike.

10.21am. A narrow path. Reached Mossley in pretty decent time. 

10.28am. Trying to give an explanation of why to not let bad thoughts overcome you (part one).

10.28am. Trying to give an explanation of why to not let bad thoughts overcome you (part two).

10.41am It's looking (and feeling) really cold.

10.44am. Riders on the storm.

10.51am. Am I going anywhere? Here or in Life? Slowly maybe, but I will get there.

10.54am. I absolutely loved how this cat was siting in the middle of the path on this freezing cold day.

11.04am. Getting to Dovestones was the easy bit. Now comes the hard part.

11.11am. If this path and these tress continued for miles and miles, I would not have minded. Stunning.

11.15am. Water under the bridge. I have lost count of how many times I have said the word "Amazing".

11.23am. Looking for a way through.

11.28am. This is where the real journey begins. I had been walking for two hours at this point.

11.32am. Ignore me and look behind me. 

11.33am. The start of the forest.

11.36am. Trees, trees, beautiful trees.

11.40am. This chair was just randomly here. Very strange to see.

11.42 am. An obstacle course. Found myself surrounded by all this at one point and had to do some climbing and ducking.

12.10pm. Out of he trees and into the light. I exited the forest. Onto the mountain! Really cold at this point. 

12.13pm. My favourite tree. It just looks so out of place with everything else around it. 

12.28pm. If you look very closely, you can see someone at the very top. 

12.37 pm. Getting really gruelling now. I was on my hands and knees at this point. 

12.44pm. Taking a little break. It really could be any day of the year. It doesn't feel like Christmas at all. But just as I say that, the following then happens. 

12.57pm. Unbelievably, minutes later, it starts to snow. It's almost as if someone heard me and thought "Here's a little something to make it feel like Christmas."

I would have preferred a helicopter and a hot drink at this point.

1.03pm. I am making progress and getting there. Amazing view. 

1.09pm. Very much out of place. I had to go round this. No way was I going through it. 

1.22pm. Getting near the top! There is a bit which I call "The cauldron" which was the place where I was going to. I was so tired. I couldn't wait to sit down in The cauldron. 

1.25pm. I made it to the top and started to get philosophical to explain my reasoning for doing this. Yes I know, I look A MESS.

1.28pm. The Cauldron is in sight! The promised land! after fours hours of walking. 

1.30pm. This is The cauldron. A pile of rocks. Uncomfortable but absolutely incredible at the same time. I sat for about five minutes and realised how tired I was. Then I see a man walking on the path (the very easy route compared to mine!) towards me. Unbelievably, he had split up with his girlfriend and like myself he was spending Christmas alone. We talked very openly about our situations about what happened, what we did and what to do. Another ten minutes of talking and then it looked like it was very slowly starting to get dark-not to mention it was absolutely freezing. We decided to walk back down the path. 

 

1.57pm. The journey back was not alone. Me and Dan walked back down the path. The ground was completely frozen. I had brought sandwiches and started to eat them!

2.16pm. At this point I was pretty exhausted. Hence why there are probably no words! Just look at the view.

2.28pm. I think these are Shetland cows. Another couple of chums to chat to on the way back!

2.40pm. This was another unbelievable thing. After wishing for a helicopter earlier, we see one landing in a house. Someone around there may actually own a helicopter.  

2.48pm. My first ever taste of Dovestones IPA. I don't know why I say "Dovestones IPA ale. The abbreviated "A" in "IPA" already stands for "ale". Dovestones Indian Pale Ale Ale!  

3.01pm. Leaving Dovestones. And I give another explanation on circumstances and stuff. I can barely walk and still have to get all the way back. Dragging my feet!

4.20pm. The last video. It actually felt a lot later than it actually was. It was actually still afternoon.

I got back just before 5pm. I don't think that I had ever done anything so physically gruelling like that before. Certainly not for that length of time and in those freezing conditions. Although I was by myself, doing these videos made me feel less alone. And obviously I got talking to someone for a bit as well as the cows. 

It helped pass the day. It also helped me have a better outlook on things straight after I had done it. And although it's three days later and I am still aching, I am hoping it is the start of making me have a better outlook in life and to become a better person. 

If you got this far, thank you for reading (and watching).

 

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Try to become a better person

I moan about life all the time. Whether it's my job, other people or my circumstances. I always whine about how it could be better and how things don't go my way. It is all nonsense. My circumstances are made because of me. Where I curently am in life is my own doing. It's the same for a lot of people. You make the decisions in life that make you who you are. I have made so many bad decisions. As have a lot of people. I am where I am because of me. I want to try and stop the bad decisions. 

I don't believe in God. I used to but after years of logically thinking about it all, there isn't a point in beliving in God. You have to believe in yourself. 

But I completely understand people who do believe in God, because even though God may not exist, it gives the people who do believe, some sort of inner strength especially in the darkest of times. A lot of people turn to God in desperate times. 

A lot of people stop turning to God because they lose faith. 

I'm so very lucky to have had the opportunities that I have had. I may not have made the most of them. In fact, I most definitely havn't made the most of them. But I will try again. 

Some people that I have met who have got me through some bad times. I would like to do the same for people. 

I would like to become a better person. I do not know if I can or if it will ever happen but I will try. As long as I try and give it my all, then it does not matter what happens. 

Because I know that I will have tried. 

Somebody loved me.

Of all the crazy things that have happened and are still happening in life, this is probably the strangest thing of them all. 

Somebody actually loved me. 

I'm a gargoyle. I lie. I am untrustworthy. I moan. I am negative. I am opinionated. I am a loser.

Anything really is possible. Even though the love doesn't exist anymore, it happened and it was amazing. 

A long time ago, one of my college tutors told me that I should take my own advice as I gave good advice. But for some reason, I just never take my own advice. 

I feel very empty. I get periods of crying but then nothing. Just really down. It is a very difficult thing to accept that I am not loved anymore. But I suppose it can be a very easy thing to take for granted too. But it happened. It may not happen ever again (maybe I don't ever want it to happen again).

But for some part of my life, it happened. 

It was there. It was real. It was lovely. It made life seem worthwile. 

And even though it is over, surely just the fact that somebody loved me once is enough to maybe keep getting through the days and to keep me going in life?

I do not celebrate Black History Month

Who is your favourite black person?

I was asked this today. 

Seeing as it's "Black History Month", people think about iconic "Black" people who have influenced the world. Obviously there is also this whole "Black Lives" bandwagon/movement currently going on too. 

I know that the world is already insane but it really is just going backwards. The world does need educating and there are some incredible people that can do that but it does not matter whether you are black or white or whatever colour! Black people aren't even black and white people aren't even white. 

The colours don't even match the description! A Raven is black. A Dove is white.

My problem with celebrating these events such as "Black History Month" and "Pride" and whatever else people want to talk about is the fact that every single time something is mentioned like this, you are ALREADY creating seperation. I wrote this six years ago:-

https://muksblogaboutstuff.blogspot.com/2014/01/equality-and-diversity-is-not-equality.html

Anyone can have a good or bad heart regardless of what they look like or what they believe in or who they follow. 

Talking about it, jumping on bandwagons about it, trying to make a big deal out of things about the differences in people is the very thing that is wrong. So now there are posters celebrating this event and people will look at these posters and think about "Black" people. Thus creating a sense of judging because of the colour of their skin. Its almost unbelievable that this is happening. I understand that there are so many horrible people in the world who of course do discriminate. there are some very ignorant people. But do celebrating these kind of events really change their views?

Personally I don't think so. I am a British Indian. I get called all sort of names, I have even been called a "Paki" and ironically I have been severely bullied by Pakistanis

Things like this are happening everyday to different extremes. Just recently I was told that "all white people are dirty, it's in their nature". This is offensive to me and I'm not even "white". 

People are people. Good and bad. Judging people should be based on this.

Is it wrong to want to do something nice for the anniversary of a death?

Or even a the birth date of the person who isn't here anymore.

I always think that to keep someone alive after they have passed away, the only thing that can actually be done is recall memories and just talk about them. 

So my dad would have been 70 years old and one month if he was still alive and I wanted to do something nice for the birthday that never was but I spent the majority of that day cleaning my girlfriend's kitchen. Which is quite bleak I guess but I suppose that people don't care about this kind of stuff. 

Maybe I shouldn't either? 

How's it going Papa?

So it has been seven years now since my Dad passed away. I can't believe it. It has flown by. I hate the 17th of May and I always used to try and do something positive and meaningful on this day. Not today though.

So many things have happened since, but yet it still feels like yesterday. In and out of a long term relationship. A few holidays. Slightly improved on the guitar too. I can also now ride a bike.

I am currently paying rent-which I know he would have absolutely hated. Such is life. It is quite a normal thing to pay rent, but I know he would have wanted me to be in a much better place now. Yet I do keep dsappointing still. I don't know why.

It is weird how such a normal thing like going to the pub with my Dad and girlfriend would have been the most natural, simple and yet incredible thing in the world. And that is something that never happened nor will ever happen and yet people are doing this kind of stuff all the time. I never got to experience this.

I do wish that there was some kind of Afterlife or something just where things like this could happen. It's doubtful but who knows?

I'll see you soon. If there is. I will get the first round because I never did.

How to look after her.

I know that this is hindsight.

But here goes:-

Be honest. Be open. Don't try and hide your feelings. Tell her that you think she is the most beautiful creature that has ever existed-because she is. Tell her that she is amazing. Tell her why you think she is amazing. Tell her every amazing thing about her to her. Buy her things, even if you don't like those things but she does. Buy her flowers even if you think that they are a waste of money-if she likes them, then they are not a waste of money.

Always encourage her. Don't put her down-EVER. Support her. Help her. If you need help, tell her. She may want to better herself to help you-don't have a go at her. If she does something for you, thank her. Comfort her when she is feeling low. Give her advice. Listen to her advice. Hold her when she is sad. Talk to her. Tell her that everything will be OK. Do whatever is possible to make everything OK. If you upset her, then apologise. Don't leave it like it doesn't matter. Apologise and make sure that she is OK. Talk about things. Anything. Everything. Just talk. If she cries, be there to wipe away her tears.

Be happy when she is happy. 

Cook for her. If she wants to help, let her help. If she doesn't then that is OK. Let her cook for you. Appreciate it. You might not like the taste, but appreciate it anyway-she cooked for you! Use candles. Get ones she likes.

If she wants to go dancing, take her dancing-even if you can't dance at all. Take her.

Listen to music together. Watch movies and TV shows. Go places. Anywhere that she likes or that you think she will genuinely enjoy.

Make her feel involved. Don't make her feel worthless-She is not worthless. She is not useless. Make her feel valued. Make her feel like she is the most valuable person in the world.

She will like things that you don't like. That is OK. Talk to her about the things that she likes. Why she likes them. How do they make her feel? Talk to her about her feelings. Her thoughts. Her emotions.

Talk to her about the future. How you are going to make it the best future you possible for you both. The past doesn't matter. The past made her the beatiful person that she is now. None of the bad things that she did in the past matter now though. Focus on your lives going forward.

Make love to her. Delicately. Passionately. Hold her hand. Cuddle her. As much as possible. Tell her you love her. Everyday. All the time.

Happy Birthday to Her.

Love > everything and anything else

I wrote this a while ago:-

https://muksblogaboutstuff.blogspot.com/2014/10/lust-love.html

But it's a beautiful thing. I think it might just be the best thing.

I am selfish. With all that is going on in this world.

The coronavirus and people being on lockdown and having to self isolate, it's probably quite lonely for a lot of people. But that isn't why I feel lonely and just so empty and pointless. I do not feel like there is a point in anything at all.

I split up with my girlfriend exactly a month ago. I have always said to people that are suffering through breakups that it will be fine and I always use a classic line and tell them that they haven't even met 99.9% people in the world yet and breakups happen for a reason and all that etc.

But the problem is that I am really old fashioned and that I believe that she is the love of my life and I do not have her with me anymore and I haven't felt this low since:-

https://muksblogaboutstuff.blogspot.com/2013/05/goodbye-dad.html

I feel like I have failed in life and that anything I want to persue or any kind of interest in anything means nothing. I miss all the beauthing things that she is. The most beautiful things were always from her or had something to do with her. Even though we also really did bring the worst out in each other-the absolute utmost worse. She bought out the worst in me and I bought out the worst in her.

But even those memories are beautiful.

I thought I tried my best. It wasn't good enough. I kept saying to everyone that even though I wasn't happy with a lot of things in my life, I slept in a kingsize bed with the most beautiful girl in the world. So it didn't matter. I'd made it.

Everyone keeps saying to just give it time. Including her-she said the same. That it will get better.

But I know it won't. In some ways, I don't want it to. Even though I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't concentrate on anything at all.

I love her. I miss her.