The happiest moments of my life.

The world isn't a good place right now. It almost seems like there are too many horrible people. The earth is in a terrible state. Maybe with age, you notice these things more. It's not like when you're a kid and things like this almost don't affect you. When Father Christmas exists. When scary things happen at Halloween. When the harshness of life hasn't hit you yet. 

I can't remember who it was and I can't remember exactly when or even what the whole conversation was but it was some sort of discussion about moments in life that can change you. I didn't want to be negative, so I thought about what the happiest moments in my life have been. Here they are:-

*When I was about six years old. I think. Around that age. My dad took me to Toy Master which is a shop that doesn't even exist anymore. He bought me some Lego technic for £14.99. On leaving the shop, it was cold and it was dark. One hand clasping my dad's hand and the other gripping this Lego as tightly as I possibly could. Holding it like it was life itself. I was trembling. I felt like a King. It was absolutely magical. I played with this Lego for years. 

*When my ex girlfriend first told me she loved me. On a mountain (hill) top in Wales with some castle ruins behind us. I don't think they even write books or make movies with how I felt that day.

*The look on my ex girlfriend's face when one year, on her birthday card I simply wrote:-

"Thank You for saving my life."

I had no other words to say. These words said it all. 

*Another ex girlfriend one. Being in Sorrento. What a beautiful place. Sitting out looking at the water and eating an orange. So simple yet so indescribably beautiful. The pinnacle of happiness.  

That is all. I am so lucky to have had these moments happen in my life because thinking about them almost makes me appreciate things. I just hope and wish that I will be able to have moments like these again. 

 

The Good, The Bad and The Me.

For a long time, I have tried to always do the right thing. However what I feel is right isn't necessarily...right. It may be wrong. A lot of the times it is. But sometimes, I don't know at the time. I would think that something I may be doing is right for someone but it may not be good for them at all. And it may not be good for myself at all. 

All throughout my life-especially my adult life, I liked to believe that justice would be done. Justice would be done to anyone that did wrong. Looking back, I guess this was why I used to liked comic book stories so much. The majority of the time, the good guys get justice and things end well. Or it is like in wrestling where a few bad guys would be beating up a good guy and then another good guy's music hits and runs down and saves the day. 

I started this blog to air my frustrations on the world and also frustrations about myself. I cannot imagine many people read this if any read it at all. 

When you think you are doing good things in life, you think that you are doing the right thing, but then other things might happen that can make you think "Why do I bother?"

Personally for me, I keep bothering because I suppose I want acceptance from someone-from ANYONE that can accept me for who I am and appreciate me even when I do bad things. It is difficult. I guess it may never happen. After all, justice should be done.

But then I see other people who have done bad things who live genuinely happy lives. Or at least happier lives and then I think to myself "Where is the justice here?" 

So here it is:-

You may have done bad things in your life that you are not proud of. That you hate yourself for. But thinking about these things constantly like I do EVERYDAY just means that you will never be happy. That you will never be able to live a life where you feel just a little content. Beating yourself up will just make you hate yourself and your life and make you feel less appreciative of anything that is actually good. 

People have beaten me up in life. Physically and Mentally. Sometimes I feel like it has corrupted me. 

But the worst thing anyone can do is beat themselves up. Because that way, justice will never be done. 

Happy Birthday to Her.

 

Goodbye 2020

2020. An absolutely awful year. It's crazy how it has completely changed life. 

There is currently a global pandemic. A lot of people are dying from it. The government seems to be in more of a state than ever. Nobody knows what's going to happen. My advice is to just go with the flow and see what happens and then just try and get through. I'm not one for all the new year shenanigans. Originally, I was going to walk to Dovestones again to the top of it for midnight but I was talked out of it. 

What I am going to do is use 2021 as a beacon of opportunity to try and do better and also feel better.

In 2020, I've been a bitter, jealous, spiteful and horrible human being. I'm not blaming certain things that have happened to make me feel like this but they have obviously played a part in it all. 

I split up with the love of my life TWICE. I really miss my dog that actually wasn't even mine. I've lived in four different places and have been very unsettled. I've been careless, thoughtless and reckless. I've been uncontrollably down sometimes. I was in a car accident when my ribs were already hurt. I went to the hospital because of an undescribable pain in my head where I thought that was it. I almost got run over by a motorcyclist when I walked out into a dual carriageway.

Halfway through the year, I found myself swearing a lot. I try never to swear but I was doing so. I was also saying things that didn't make any sense. Stupid things that were a bit docile. I had no focus at all. As well as this, I was also making silly little mistakes at work not just once or twice, but constantly. 

I couldn't think straight. And I couldn't talk to anyone. I could have talked but I didn't try hard enough to talk. And for a lot of things, it's too late now. 

There are things about me that I'm leaving behind in and with 2020. The bitterness, jealousy, spitefulness, horribleness, recklessness. It's ALL going. I said on one of my videos in my last post that I need to get back to how I used to be. 

I told my friend earlier that the highlight of the year was when I learned how to ride a bike. For those of you that don't know me, the first time I went on one as a child, I fell off and didn't go on one again until recently. Another highlight was when I saw the doggie that isn't mine after a few months. Lovely moment. 

There are things that can happen to everyone. Good and bad things. Sometimes more bad than good unfortunately, but it's how you deal with the bad situations that can make you the person that you are. And I want to be better. So good riddance to 2020 and all the bad stuff that has happened. I'm not saying from the first day of 2021, everything will be amazing because everything will just be the same! But I'm going to work more on helping things become amazing. Some things you can't control. 

But some things you can.

Christmas day at Dovestones.

So it is three days after Christmas day and it was a strange Christmas. It has been a strange year. An absolutely crazy year and so I decided to do something absolutely crazy on Christmas day. The following three pictures are hard to see but I walked a total of 27.41 kilometres (just over 17 miles) to the top of Dovestones and back. A total of 36, 876 steps. The total time I walked was 7 hours, 22 minutes and 51 seconds. I burned 1,807 calories. 

When I got to Dovestones, I went to the top of it the hard way. Off track. I realised that if something happened to me it probably would have been it as I was on my own. There are reasons I did this. I give a really brief and what is probably a nonsensical reason in the first video.

Most of the following are really short videos with descriptions of the walk.  

My reason to go to Dovestones on Christmas day. It wasn't going to be a nice day if I didn't do something which is why I wanted to do something a bit crazy that would keep me occupied for most of the day. This was at 9.36am. I'd only eaten a cookie and drank a cup of green tea.

9.42 am. Just some trees in the morning. How good do they look?

9.51am. I saw a house with pillars and a couple of small lion statues. It was a bit random and I don't really like taking pictures of peoples houses so I didn't but had to say something about the one I saw as it looked quite cool. 

9.55am. Don't take things for granted. The views and the surroundings are so lovely. 

9.55am Merry Christmas from a cyclist. I actually had my ear phones in and was listening to classical music but I heard him as I was just babbling for the previous post. 

9.55am. Cold and breath taking.

9.59 am. I didn't expect to bump into anyone here but I suppose it is a public footpath...

10.03am. Especially people who know me. I can't remember what their names are but they chatted for a couple of minutes. (Camera angles aren't great on this one.)

10.09am. An incredible picture and you can just about see Heartshed pike.

10.21am. A narrow path. Reached Mossley in pretty decent time. 

10.28am. Trying to give an explanation of why to not let bad thoughts overcome you (part one).

10.28am. Trying to give an explanation of why to not let bad thoughts overcome you (part two).

10.41am It's looking (and feeling) really cold.

10.44am. Riders on the storm.

10.51am. Am I going anywhere? Here or in Life? Slowly maybe, but I will get there.

10.54am. I absolutely loved how this cat was siting in the middle of the path on this freezing cold day.

11.04am. Getting to Dovestones was the easy bit. Now comes the hard part.

11.11am. If this path and these tress continued for miles and miles, I would not have minded. Stunning.

11.15am. Water under the bridge. I have lost count of how many times I have said the word "Amazing".

11.23am. Looking for a way through.

11.28am. This is where the real journey begins. I had been walking for two hours at this point.

11.32am. Ignore me and look behind me. 

11.33am. The start of the forest.

11.36am. Trees, trees, beautiful trees.

11.40am. This chair was just randomly here. Very strange to see.

11.42 am. An obstacle course. Found myself surrounded by all this at one point and had to do some climbing and ducking.

12.10pm. Out of he trees and into the light. I exited the forest. Onto the mountain! Really cold at this point. 

12.13pm. My favourite tree. It just looks so out of place with everything else around it. 

12.28pm. If you look very closely, you can see someone at the very top. 

12.37 pm. Getting really gruelling now. I was on my hands and knees at this point. 

12.44pm. Taking a little break. It really could be any day of the year. It doesn't feel like Christmas at all. But just as I say that, the following then happens. 

12.57pm. Unbelievably, minutes later, it starts to snow. It's almost as if someone heard me and thought "Here's a little something to make it feel like Christmas."

I would have preferred a helicopter and a hot drink at this point.

1.03pm. I am making progress and getting there. Amazing view. 

1.09pm. Very much out of place. I had to go round this. No way was I going through it. 

1.22pm. Getting near the top! There is a bit which I call "The cauldron" which was the place where I was going to. I was so tired. I couldn't wait to sit down in The cauldron. 

1.25pm. I made it to the top and started to get philosophical to explain my reasoning for doing this. Yes I know, I look A MESS.

1.28pm. The Cauldron is in sight! The promised land! after fours hours of walking. 

1.30pm. This is The cauldron. A pile of rocks. Uncomfortable but absolutely incredible at the same time. I sat for about five minutes and realised how tired I was. Then I see a man walking on the path (the very easy route compared to mine!) towards me. Unbelievably, he had split up with his girlfriend and like myself he was spending Christmas alone. We talked very openly about our situations about what happened, what we did and what to do. Another ten minutes of talking and then it looked like it was very slowly starting to get dark-not to mention it was absolutely freezing. We decided to walk back down the path. 

 

1.57pm. The journey back was not alone. Me and Dan walked back down the path. The ground was completely frozen. I had brought sandwiches and started to eat them!

2.16pm. At this point I was pretty exhausted. Hence why there are probably no words! Just look at the view.

2.28pm. I think these are Shetland cows. Another couple of chums to chat to on the way back!

2.40pm. This was another unbelievable thing. After wishing for a helicopter earlier, we see one landing in a house. Someone around there may actually own a helicopter.  

2.48pm. My first ever taste of Dovestones IPA. I don't know why I say "Dovestones IPA ale. The abbreviated "A" in "IPA" already stands for "ale". Dovestones Indian Pale Ale Ale!  

3.01pm. Leaving Dovestones. And I give another explanation on circumstances and stuff. I can barely walk and still have to get all the way back. Dragging my feet!

4.20pm. The last video. It actually felt a lot later than it actually was. It was actually still afternoon.

I got back just before 5pm. I don't think that I had ever done anything so physically gruelling like that before. Certainly not for that length of time and in those freezing conditions. Although I was by myself, doing these videos made me feel less alone. And obviously I got talking to someone for a bit as well as the cows. 

It helped pass the day. It also helped me have a better outlook on things straight after I had done it. And although it's three days later and I am still aching, I am hoping it is the start of making me have a better outlook in life and to become a better person. 

If you got this far, thank you for reading (and watching).

 

.  

Try to become a better person

I moan about life all the time. Whether it's my job, other people or my circumstances. I always whine about how it could be better and how things don't go my way. It is all nonsense. My circumstances are made because of me. Where I curently am in life is my own doing. It's the same for a lot of people. You make the decisions in life that make you who you are. I have made so many bad decisions. As have a lot of people. I am where I am because of me. I want to try and stop the bad decisions. 

I don't believe in God. I used to but after years of logically thinking about it all, there isn't a point in beliving in God. You have to believe in yourself. 

But I completely understand people who do believe in God, because even though God may not exist, it gives the people who do believe, some sort of inner strength especially in the darkest of times. A lot of people turn to God in desperate times. 

A lot of people stop turning to God because they lose faith. 

I'm so very lucky to have had the opportunities that I have had. I may not have made the most of them. In fact, I most definitely havn't made the most of them. But I will try again. 

Some people that I have met who have got me through some bad times. I would like to do the same for people. 

I would like to become a better person. I do not know if I can or if it will ever happen but I will try. As long as I try and give it my all, then it does not matter what happens. 

Because I know that I will have tried. 

Somebody loved me.

Of all the crazy things that have happened and are still happening in life, this is probably the strangest thing of them all. 

Somebody actually loved me. 

I'm a gargoyle. I lie. I am untrustworthy. I moan. I am negative. I am opinionated. I am a loser.

Anything really is possible. Even though the love doesn't exist anymore, it happened and it was amazing. 

A long time ago, one of my college tutors told me that I should take my own advice as I gave good advice. But for some reason, I just never take my own advice. 

I feel very empty. I get periods of crying but then nothing. Just really down. It is a very difficult thing to accept that I am not loved anymore. But I suppose it can be a very easy thing to take for granted too. But it happened. It may not happen ever again (maybe I don't ever want it to happen again).

But for some part of my life, it happened. 

It was there. It was real. It was lovely. It made life seem worthwile. 

And even though it is over, surely just the fact that somebody loved me once is enough to maybe keep getting through the days and to keep me going in life?

I do not celebrate Black History Month

Who is your favourite black person?

I was asked this today. 

Seeing as it's "Black History Month", people think about iconic "Black" people who have influenced the world. Obviously there is also this whole "Black Lives" bandwagon/movement currently going on too. 

I know that the world is already insane but it really is just going backwards. The world does need educating and there are some incredible people that can do that but it does not matter whether you are black or white or whatever colour! Black people aren't even black and white people aren't even white. 

The colours don't even match the description! A Raven is black. A Dove is white.

My problem with celebrating these events such as "Black History Month" and "Pride" and whatever else people want to talk about is the fact that every single time something is mentioned like this, you are ALREADY creating seperation. I wrote this six years ago:-

https://muksblogaboutstuff.blogspot.com/2014/01/equality-and-diversity-is-not-equality.html

Anyone can have a good or bad heart regardless of what they look like or what they believe in or who they follow. 

Talking about it, jumping on bandwagons about it, trying to make a big deal out of things about the differences in people is the very thing that is wrong. So now there are posters celebrating this event and people will look at these posters and think about "Black" people. Thus creating a sense of judging because of the colour of their skin. Its almost unbelievable that this is happening. I understand that there are so many horrible people in the world who of course do discriminate. there are some very ignorant people. But do celebrating these kind of events really change their views?

Personally I don't think so. I am a British Indian. I get called all sort of names, I have even been called a "Paki" and ironically I have been severely bullied by Pakistanis

Things like this are happening everyday to different extremes. Just recently I was told that "all white people are dirty, it's in their nature". This is offensive to me and I'm not even "white". 

People are people. Good and bad. Judging people should be based on this.

Is it wrong to want to do something nice for the anniversary of a death?

Or even a the birth date of the person who isn't here anymore.

I always think that to keep someone alive after they have passed away, the only thing that can actually be done is recall memories and just talk about them. 

So my dad would have been 70 years old and one month if he was still alive and I wanted to do something nice for the birthday that never was but I spent the majority of that day cleaning my girlfriend's kitchen. Which is quite bleak I guess but I suppose that people don't care about this kind of stuff. 

Maybe I shouldn't either? 

How's it going Papa?

So it has been seven years now since my Dad passed away. I can't believe it. It has flown by. I hate the 17th of May and I always used to try and do something positive and meaningful on this day. Not today though.

So many things have happened since, but yet it still feels like yesterday. In and out of a long term relationship. A few holidays. Slightly improved on the guitar too. I can also now ride a bike.

I am currently paying rent-which I know he would have absolutely hated. Such is life. It is quite a normal thing to pay rent, but I know he would have wanted me to be in a much better place now. Yet I do keep dsappointing still. I don't know why.

It is weird how such a normal thing like going to the pub with my Dad and girlfriend would have been the most natural, simple and yet incredible thing in the world. And that is something that never happened nor will ever happen and yet people are doing this kind of stuff all the time. I never got to experience this.

I do wish that there was some kind of Afterlife or something just where things like this could happen. It's doubtful but who knows?

I'll see you soon. If there is. I will get the first round because I never did.

How to look after her.

I know that this is hindsight.

But here goes:-

Be honest. Be open. Don't try and hide your feelings. Tell her that you think she is the most beautiful creature that has ever existed-because she is. Tell her that she is amazing. Tell her why you think she is amazing. Tell her every amazing thing about her to her. Buy her things, even if you don't like those things but she does. Buy her flowers even if you think that they are a waste of money-if she likes them, then they are not a waste of money.

Always encourage her. Don't put her down-EVER. Support her. Help her. If you need help, tell her. She may want to better herself to help you-don't have a go at her. If she does something for you, thank her. Comfort her when she is feeling low. Give her advice. Listen to her advice. Hold her when she is sad. Talk to her. Tell her that everything will be OK. Do whatever is possible to make everything OK. If you upset her, then apologise. Don't leave it like it doesn't matter. Apologise and make sure that she is OK. Talk about things. Anything. Everything. Just talk. If she cries, be there to wipe away her tears.

Be happy when she is happy. 

Cook for her. If she wants to help, let her help. If she doesn't then that is OK. Let her cook for you. Appreciate it. You might not like the taste, but appreciate it anyway-she cooked for you! Use candles. Get ones she likes.

If she wants to go dancing, take her dancing-even if you can't dance at all. Take her.

Listen to music together. Watch movies and TV shows. Go places. Anywhere that she likes or that you think she will genuinely enjoy.

Make her feel involved. Don't make her feel worthless-She is not worthless. She is not useless. Make her feel valued. Make her feel like she is the most valuable person in the world.

She will like things that you don't like. That is OK. Talk to her about the things that she likes. Why she likes them. How do they make her feel? Talk to her about her feelings. Her thoughts. Her emotions.

Talk to her about the future. How you are going to make it the best future you possible for you both. The past doesn't matter. The past made her the beatiful person that she is now. None of the bad things that she did in the past matter now though. Focus on your lives going forward.

Make love to her. Delicately. Passionately. Hold her hand. Cuddle her. As much as possible. Tell her you love her. Everyday. All the time.

Happy Birthday to Her.

Love > everything and anything else

I wrote this a while ago:-

https://muksblogaboutstuff.blogspot.com/2014/10/lust-love.html

But it's a beautiful thing. I think it might just be the best thing.

I am selfish. With all that is going on in this world.

The coronavirus and people being on lockdown and having to self isolate, it's probably quite lonely for a lot of people. But that isn't why I feel lonely and just so empty and pointless. I do not feel like there is a point in anything at all.

I split up with my girlfriend exactly a month ago. I have always said to people that are suffering through breakups that it will be fine and I always use a classic line and tell them that they haven't even met 99.9% people in the world yet and breakups happen for a reason and all that etc.

But the problem is that I am really old fashioned and that I believe that she is the love of my life and I do not have her with me anymore and I haven't felt this low since:-

https://muksblogaboutstuff.blogspot.com/2013/05/goodbye-dad.html

I feel like I have failed in life and that anything I want to persue or any kind of interest in anything means nothing. I miss all the beauthing things that she is. The most beautiful things were always from her or had something to do with her. Even though we also really did bring the worst out in each other-the absolute utmost worse. She bought out the worst in me and I bought out the worst in her.

But even those memories are beautiful.

I thought I tried my best. It wasn't good enough. I kept saying to everyone that even though I wasn't happy with a lot of things in my life, I slept in a kingsize bed with the most beautiful girl in the world. So it didn't matter. I'd made it.

Everyone keeps saying to just give it time. Including her-she said the same. That it will get better.

But I know it won't. In some ways, I don't want it to. Even though I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't concentrate on anything at all.

I love her. I miss her.

Has the world 🌍 gone mad?

I want to write a post about how mad the world seems to have gone. I know that all throughout history there has been utter madness but when I stop to think about it, sometimes it feels so weird and messed up that it's almost unreal. I sometimes believe it's some kind of nightmare. You can't say or do anything that is politically correct. In fact, you can't say anything at all that isn't going to offend someone out there and these days, ANYONE can express their opinion through social media-so...ANYONE could get offended.

Talking of political correctness first-or just politics in general, or just politically incorrect-Donald Trump is the president of The USA. Some people say that he is a sexiest, racist, fumbling mess. Vladimir Putin is the leader of Russia and Kim Jong-Un is the leader of North Korea. These three are the most powerful people in the world.

These three.

If someone had woken up from a coma 20 years ago to this world, it would not surprise me if they thought they had gone to hell. Or if not hell, then a madhouse.

Think about ISIS. What is that they actually want? Just to kill people because of the way they live and their lifestyles. I think. Anyone anywhere can do something and ISIS can claim responsibility for it. I know violence and wars have always been a part of history but this is really bad.

But forget about global uncontrollable madness. Let's talk about things that are a bit less serious but really strange anyway.

I have absolutely no problem with anyone unless they personally hurt me or hurt someone I care about-I must point that out.

I've always wondered that if a man was born and he believed that he was born in the wrong body and that he should have been a she, these days they can get a sex change and correct it-but how would the man know or think he knows what it would be like being female. What if he became a she and still didn't feel right? What happens then? Surely it's something else that needs to be addressed there. I'm an Indian. Born in Britain. I cannot change that whether I wanted to or not. I can't go to the operating theatre and ask to not be Indian. I can't take a magic potion that will turn me into someone else. It's who I am. If I didn't like it, I'd still have to accept it at some point.

Accept it.

There is a movie I saw recently where if people see something, they lose their minds and kill themselves UNLESS the person is already insane, so characters have to make their way through the movie blindfolded when they are outside. So of course, the trend becomes people trying things in real life like driving blindfolded as a challenge. As well as this, there have been other trends like someone showed me a video of someone who was driving a car, they put the car in neutral or cruise control, get out of the car whilst the car is still in motion, dance whilst being filmed and then post it on Social Media! What the heck?!

Hank Azaria who is a voiceover in The Simpsons doesn't want to voice the character of Apu anymore because after two decades of doing so, someone (I can't even remember his name) accused The Simpsons and the character of Apu of being racist. These are characters. Animated characters that are taking the mickey out of stereotyping. They are making the world laugh with it and people are now all of a sudden getting offended.

The world has already gone mad. Watch out for my next blog post on predictions on what will happen next in the world that will delve it further into the madness.

Goodbye Cookie

Our beautiful Dog was put to sleep yesterday.

Some people may have the nerve to say "it's just a Dog". I feel sorry for those pathetic people.

Cookie was so lovable, pure and unlike some Humans, he would never intentionally upset you. That is the same for most Dogs. They are loyal and caring.

Cookie was the most loyal and caring Dog in the world.

It wasn't easy to see him being put to sleep. It was like a bit of everything that was good in the world was being taken away.

Unfairly.

Personally, I think the world would be a much more beautiful place with Dogs like Cookie.

It is almost shameful being a Human. I think people could learn a lot from this.

Goodbye Cookie. Thank You.

I'm sorry for shouting at you for peeing on the floor. Who am I going to moan to now about the awfulness of Humanity?

Sleep tight you beautiful Dog. X

Carry on

On the night/morning of Monday 11th/Tuesday 12th of December 2017, I found myself uncontrollably crying in my bed. I couldn't sleep and I felt so down that I couldn't think straight, I was barely moving and had no clue what to do.

It felt like no matter what I did/do/was going to do was wrong. Nothing I did was right. No matter where I was. At work, at home, in between the two, wherever. A build up of frustration, sadness and lost hope had all finally got to me. I had work the next morning and tried to listen to some "music for sleeping" tunes on my earphones which was lovely but rather than making me sleep, it just made me want a harp and a piano. I was in a bad state. How the heck was I going to go to work that morning?

"I try my best and everyone keeps constantly shitting on me".

Everyones' circumstances are different and I am sure that a lot of people sometimes get like this. But what could anyone do to not feel like this? It took a long few hours but fear not my beautiful readers, I have some advice:-

People out there in the world are going to try and make your life hell. Sometimes things are not going to go your way no matter what you do. There are going to be people who take out their own frustrations on you. NOBODY will appreciate what you do. You won't get ANY support. They are going to make you feel down because that is just who they are and what they do. BUT THAT IS OK.

The reason being is that as long as YOU try YOUR best with whatever you are doing. Whatever goals/dreams/ambitions that you have. WHATEVER they may be, as long as you try your best regardless of what your situation is, regardless of what your circumstances are and regardless of what people say and/or do to you- as long as you know you do what you can to make things OK then....... it is OK.

If you can somehow (this is NOT an easy thing to do) take a step back from it all and look at yourself and just think :-

"Have I tried today?"
"Did I do the best I can?"
"Am I a good person?"

If you can seriously consider these questions and answer "Yes" to them and you believe it, then you've done it. I am not saying that you should do this everyday but when you are feeling low. When times are tough. There are going to be people and unfortunately maybe even those closest to you that are going to make you feel lower and make times tougher.

But you have to carry on. As lonely as it may feel sometimes. And as hard as it is.

When you're feeling down-It is OK to be sad.

How many times do you hear people say to you:-

"Everything will be alright"?

"Things are going to be fine"?

"It will all work out for the best"?

I don't know why or what makes the people that say these things feel the need to say these things. At all. Can they see into the future? No. What are they basing it all on?

I appreciate the fact that I have a bed (although I very rarely sleep). I have clothing, I have food. I do have the feeling which I can't shake off is that one day I may be homeless. If/when it happens then I guess I will face that when the time actually comes. But right now I am not. So that is a good thing. Although I am feeling incredibly down. So what do I do? What do people do?

It's difficult. Depression, Sadness, Worrying. There is ALWAYS something to worry about. So I am not here to tell anyone that things are going to be OK. I will never do that, because I don't know if they will be. What I am going to say is that it is OK to feel sad. And if it is all the time, then it is possible that you may have a mental illness so please try and see someone.

Too many people think they need to go out with a smile on their faces and make out like everything is OK. It is not always the case. Maybe certain jobs or things that you have to do require a small part of you to not be so sad and you have to have some sort of get up and go. I am not saying that doom and gloom is the way to go, but you don't have to feel that you have to be fake. If you are feeling down-talk to someone about it and do not worry about people judging you. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with feeling sad. It is an emotion.

It is almost exhausting. Keeping everything in. Pretending.

It's not worth it and there is no reason to feel ashamed if you are feeling down.

Christmas time for me

Time for some catharsis guys. Get ready.

Having worked mostly in retail all my working life, it's almost a given that I hate the build up to Christmas.

"You've ruined my childs' Christmas!"

"Why can't you get more staff in?! I've been waiting half an hour!!"

"I want to see your manager! I am not happy!

"I'm next! I'm next!! I'm next!!!"

"I want! I want!! I want!!!"

People are really needlessly angry, stressed, annoyed. This is what Christmas is about-or at least has become about. The behaviour of some can get ridiculous. On a more personal level, the actual day-Christmas day...it really has never been too big a deal. Now I feel almost guilty celebrating it.

I used to always wake up around midday and slightly hungover. Irresponsible of course-as always. Fucking hell I was a shit son. My father used to get up early to make the food. There was always way too much food at the end of it. That was just his way though. Having struggled for food in the early years of his life, it was almost as if he had to make up for that shortage in his older years. My mother would be sat in the living room pissed off about nothing in particular and be watching some awful Indian TV show absolutely refusing to participate in anything festive-not because she hated Christmas, but just because she didn't seem to like it when people were trying to have a good time. My sister would arrive and then so would one of my dads' brothers. Everyone apart from my mother would then eventually sit in the dining room to eat. My mother would get pissed off at people having alcohol and trying to be merry. It was always slightly uncomfortable but oddly quite cosy at the same time. And it was good. What it was-was OK.

And now it is all different. My dad is not around. I don't really want to celebrate Christmas as it just doesn't feel right. But it is almost peer pressure. Everywhere you go, everyone you talk to-it is all about Christmas. I'm not Scrooge, I'm not a grumpy kind of "Bah Humbug" person and I'm definitely not one of those people who when witnessing the "magic" and "miracle" of Christmas can then be changed and then become happy and enjoy it. And not that I believe in Jesus. That subject is almost irrelevant to me. But the fact that people think more about a major brand of soft drink at Christmas than they do of Jesus Christ just does not seem right. Christmas is used for marketing. Christmas is used so people can say "I want this for Christmas".

Sorry, but why the heck should you get anything for Christmas?? Birthdays-yes. You were BORN on that day so whatever many years ago. It's a celebration of your life. Christmas is not celebrating, It is peer pressure and it is stressful and it is saddening.

So does not liking Christmas make me a bad person??

I thought-or would like Christmas to be about helping people. Having a day where you can find some kind of comfort from all the horrible people and the horrible things in the world. I think Christmas time is the time where in the UK, more people commit suicide than any other time in the world. I wish I could help stop this. I understand how the stress can get to people and how they cannot cope. People get in mountains of debt for one day of what they call "celebration". Not only should all of this NEVER happen but how has it even come to this?

I am made out to be a bad person, or a sad,/miserable person just because I do not like Christmas. It is uncomfortable for me. It is stressful, It is hypocritical, It upsets me.

But yet I am almost forced to participate in it.

Black Friday

First of all, why are so many bad things named after "Black"?? As well as the title of this post, you have Blackmail, Black Market, Blacklisted, Black Widow. No wonder there are so many racist people in the world. it seems Black = Bad. All jokes aside, Black Friday is a really strange day to have anywhere apart from The USA. It is a the day after Thanksgiving Day in The USA. It makes sense (although I still don't know why its called "Black Friday". Some say that it is because some retailers go from being 'in the red' to being 'in the black' and actually start to make a profit but I find that hard to believe as the majority of retailers make profit every day especially the one I work for). But for some reason, here in The UK, Black Friday seems to be a thing too. Making no sense whatsoever. In 2013, a supermarket chain in The UK which is a subsidiary of a massive chain in America, introduced Black Friday to The UK thus making crazy people in The UK, going even crazier. In 2014, it was reported by Greater Manchester police that "shoppers had behaved in appalling fashion" and that "lack of planning from retailers was really disappointing". That sounds like just another normal day where I work. People were fighting and looting for crying out loud. Advertisements are a bitch. It is so difficult to not get sucked into wanting something that you do not really need causing people to part with money they probably should not be parting with. In other words, Black Friday is just another stupid marketing gimmick that a lot of people fall for, thinking that they are doing something amazing with their lives by competing against other shoppers and managing to buy something that is priced lesser than it normally is. Question time:- 1) Is the product that you are buying really worth the amount it was before the sale price in the first place? 2) Do you actually believe that you are getting a bargain? 3) Do you think that you have enough hobbies and past times? In short-do you have a life? 4) Do you live outside of The USA? 5) In all honesty, do you feel like you have to buy things because other people are? For example, do you have to keep up with The Jones'? If you have answered yes to at least four of these questions, then you maybe need to reassess things in life.

We have no leader...BUT WE CAN WATCH THE TENNIS

Due to "Great" Britain not being in the EU anymore, times could get really difficult. I think anyone who voted to leave the EU were just desperate for a change. There are so many working class people with no future, nothing to hope for, nothing to look forward to. People need something-a lot of people have nothing. I am not saying whether the referendum decision was correct on incorrect, I did not vote. I have written a blog post on why I have never voted. As well as this, I think that there were a lot of blind votes-by this I mean people voting when they are not a hundred percent sure what the outcome even entails.The results of the EU votes have been made and they have been done and there is no going back. What shocks me most is that regardless of who voted what, the people should be sticking up for each other. People in Britain now more than ever should be thinking "We are not in the EU. We are alone. Now is the time that we NEED to stick up for each other. We NEED to be as one and fight for our future."

Instead we get people moaning about the results.

Instead we get people writing on social media about how pissed off they are with the results.

Instead we get people making petitions to re-vote??

How insane.

Petitions to have another vote do not make sense because anyone who voted to stay in the EU would sign the petition. Anyone who wants out, wouldn't hence why they voted that way in the first place.

People have to accept the decision that has been made and move on with life!

There have been disappointments. There have been let downs.

As I am writing this, Britain currently has no Prime Minister. He resigned after the results were announced. Several politicians have resigned their posts (some would say abandoned their country when they were needed the most) and this just goes to show how utterly disgraceful people in power seem to be. How spineless and how pathetic to do this when your country and the people in it need you more than ever.

|So...no Prime Minister. The country in disarray. People at odds with each other.

Who is there to save us? Wait...we have a royal family!! The Queen. The Princes. Somebody. Anybody.

But...wait. Again...wait. The Prince and probably the future Queen are watching the Wimbledon final, (Congratulations on Andy Murray winning Wimbledon for the second time).

So the question now is-What is the relevance of the royal family? Are they just a posh breed of scallies living off benefits? Why don't they say something or do something? Even if one of them just made a speech telling people that things were going to be OK?? Are they that pathetic and uninterested? Just like a jobless person who gets paid more than enough money to carry on living their lives...why would they bother doing anything as long as they are getting what they need.

The people celebrate The Jubilee, A new child being born into the family. A royal birthday...But why? What is the point? Why are the royal family even a thing? The commonwealth do not like Britain (give the independence but KEEP THE CROWN JEWELS), All of Europe now probably do no like Britain (even though nobody was too keen on Britain in the first place) and nobody really seems to care.

I think the "Great" in Britain has long gone and I think people-the royal family, the politicians and everyone who cannot accept a vote that has not gone their way to just be ashamed of themselves for not having any sort of integrity.

But at least we can all watch the tennis. Right?

Understanding depression

Sometimes when people are hungry, they will want to point out how hungry they are by declaring that they are "starving".

The human body could go up to a month without eating any food. It is not a healthy thing to do of course, but that is the fact of the human body. You would need water. No water for around ten days would be fatal. But the human body can go without food for around 30 days after all the stored fats, glucose, muscle mass and tissue have all become used...that is when your body will shut down. So when people claim that they are "starving" when they have gone a few hours without food is just a very exaggerated term.

People also use a term for when they feel down. That they are "depressed".

"That shop didn't have the ring in my size. It's well depressing".

"It's depressing watching them play football like that".

"It's so depressing that this place is going to close down".

These are all terms that I have heard people say today. Of course, they are all exaggerated. And it kind of annoyed me.  Should people be allowed to say they are depressed for such reasons? Is that not undermining what is a severe illness?

I am very ashamed to say that I do and have not treated mental health as seriously as I should have. I always used to think that when it came to mental health, something like depression for example, why would a person let that take over them? Surely the mindset could be strong enough to cope with such a silly thing? Surely if you were depressed, you could force yourself to get up and do something about it and live your life and become mentally stronger? And that this could make you a stronger person? After all, what if someone wasn't diagnosed with depression? They wouldn't know any better. So how could they not at least try to live their life to the fullest if they had no clue that their setbacks they suffer in their minds was actually an illness?

But if you don't understand it, then how can you make decisions about it? How can you judge it? And also, if you were depressed, but you weren't diagnosed as depressed-in other words if you hadn't been to the doctor-what happens then?

I don't understand it...Or do I understand it better than I think?

It is normal for everyone to feel down at some point. This is life. But if feeling down got in the way of actually doing everyday things in life-then this could be depression. And I have felt like that myself a lot of the times. I am sure that there are a lot of people who haven't been diagnosed with depression that have and are going through this right this very minute.

So far, it is still a bit of a taboo subject. People do not seem to be exploring this illness as much as they probably should be. It seems to be kind of pushed to the side. One example being the anti-depressants. It seems that they are just prescribed by doctors to "help cope" with depression but in my own personal opinion, I have to ask the question whether this is just a case of accepting things rather than getting to the root of the problem. Also with bipolar disorder-which is also known as manic depression (where your mood can gradually go from one extreme to the other and your behaviour may be impulsive and you would be very hyper and have little or no sleep), anti-depressants can actually be worse for you.

People often mistake feeling sadness is depression. This is not necessarily the case. Depression can be down swings in mood, emptiness, restlessness, being irritable and/or short tempered.

You kind of lose interest in pleasurable things.
Your behaviour can become very reckless.
You have problems concentrating.
Your body aches. You have no energy.

There are some very interesting facts about depression too. Depression rates for women are double than that of those in men but men have a higher suicide risk. As well as this, men apparently are more reluctant to admit that they are feeling like this. So could talking about it be very beneficial?

So how would someone put up with mood swings, sadness with no explanation and feelings of suicide and not wanting to face the world? Is there are an actual cure for all this? Apparently not. Anti-depressants have so many side effects that people actually feel worse for a long time before they actually supposedly start to feel better-that is what they say however in my opinion, it is just your body and mind getting used to them-not so long ago, someone was diagnosed with depression, was given anti-depressants and then that poor person committed suicide. So what does a person with depression do to beat this? Is it even possible to do so?

And what does all this do to a person who would know someone close to them who is suffering from depression? Whether it has been diagnosed or not? Not only is it difficult actually having depression, but it is also difficult dealing with a person who has depression. I very much now believe that depression could also be contagious. Imagine if you care for someone with depression? How would it make you feel if no matter what you did. no matter what you said or anything you could do for them just didn't matter? How would that make you feel?? It would make you feel really down. It would make you feel empty. It would make you feel like there is no point.

Maybe I will continue this on another blog post. I don't know, But right now, I believe that depression MUST come from somewhere. Whether it be something very obvious that had recently happened to you or whether it is an underlying sadness from something that could have happened to you in the past but has affected you and is still affecting you because you never dealt with it and are still having trouble coming to terms with it. Maybe it is that long ago that you have even forgotten what it is. It is at the back of your mind, hidden away under a million other thoughts you have had since then.

Maybe getting to the root of the problem and dealing with it is the key.

From the research that I have done, for anyone that is suffering from depression, get help. Talk to someone. Statistics say that talking to someone helps. On a good day, make the decision to get help BEFORE you have a bad day. Because it is not just yourself that is hurting.

 It is the people that care about you who are suffering too.