A piece of writing that I am proud of.

An email to my mothers' solicitor.

For some reason I felt it appropriate to put on here.  

Why the fuck not? Here it is:-

Hello. No need for me to tell you who this is as you can probably tell from my name. I can imagine the name "Dhimar" turns the pupils in your eyes into pound signs. 

First of all, I would like to make a request in that you don't go to mandirs (temples) and broadcast about you "winning the case". I can't believe a place of worship even has solicitors coming in for speeches in the first place. That is sickening in itself. What is more sickening is how you told everyone there about this case. Even though you didn't mention any names, the Indian community is fairly small and close knit. Everyone knows each other and can put two and two together. I really don't want to go onto the street and have another person come up to me asking about my fathers' money and what happened to it and why you were involved. 

As I wasn't at the temple when you said this, I am unsure as to whether you were bragging/showing off about it or whether you were just being really unprofessional and quite frankly, idiotic to mention your confidential dealings. 

It is either one of the two. Either way, you should not be talking about confidential matters in public like that. Or it could be that there is some part of you that actually enjoyed being a part of something as horrific as this.

Secondly, not that it means anything to you but I miss my dad. So does my sister. Personally for myself, I have had trouble eating when I am at "home" for the past six months. I am fine when I am outdoors or at a friends but when I am at home, I just cannot eat. I have always had trouble sleeping (since I was 16 years old or so) and now eating too. I had to go to the Doctors' three times as it was really affecting my health. I was crying in my sleep and then I developed breathing problems. 

And then my mother went to you to get the hands on the money my dad wanted me and my sister to have. 

Obviously it is your job to help my mother. I understand that. You have to earn a living even if it is going against a dead mans' wishes. You have to feed your own kids etc. 

My dad didn't want my mum having any of this money. Originally me and my sister were going to share it with her anyway as we both know how much money means to her.

For about nine months or so I have been out of work and I moved back home. It has not been easy at all for various reasons. I am used to working and most of my working life I worked two jobs. There was a time when I was working in four places at once and there were days when I would wake up and forget which job I was supposed to be that. Luckily I am temping at the minute.

Contrary to what my mum may have told you, my dad paid the bills. My dads' name was on ALL the bills. Every single one of them. Whilst I was working, I used to give my dad some money. OF COURSE I used to do this. My dad really hated taking money from me and he would very reluctantly accept. It is only right as much as he thought it was wrong. When I was out of work, he flat out refused to take anything from me and I accepted this as it was more difficult for me to do this with hardly any income. 

After my dad passed away, it was obviously the worst thing to ever have happened. I'm not sure if you have had a parent that has passed away so I can't say if you know what it is like. I'm not sure if either of your parents are like my mother either. Everything was so surreal as it still is. My sister was coming over a lot and me her and my mum were together a lot of the times. Anything that occurred in the past had been forgotten. I will get to what I mean by that later. 

Even though I didn't have a job, I was paying for the phone, TV and internet bills (all in one with Virgin Media). Ironically I hardly EVER use the phone and I hardly EVER watch the TV. One day whilst I was out, she told my sister to come round and to put it back in her name. I never understood why she did this until I realised that it obviously made it look like she was paying for everything and that would help YOU get her the money that was entitled to me and my sister. Maybe you are even that intelligent to have told her to do this. Maybe.

About 2 months before my dad passed away, my mum asked my dad about the death in service. She told him that she didn't want him to have it. My dad said he didn't have it. The reason he told her this was because he didn't want my mum to have ANY of it. He already knew that my mum was absolutely loaded (six bank accounts) and that if any money was to be left, it would go to me and my sister and our future. My sister has a mortgage to pay and I have struggled the past year or so. I don't eat much at home anymore but I do buy my own food. I contributed to the bills. You of course wouldn't want this to be true as it would make it easier for you to claim the money in saying that I didn't help with the bills. 

But as I stated, my dad wanted me and my sister to have it and NOT my mum. You have gone against a dead mans' wishes. But as I have said, you are doing your job and I want to clarify as much as you might tell yourself different, I want to clarify that this isn't about the money. I repeat, this is NOT about the money. To YOU and to my mum it is. NOTHING or NO AMOUNT OF MONEY can bring my dad back. You and my mother clearly care more about the money than about my dad. Fair enough. 

But to me and my sister, it is about our dads' last wish. If he wanted it to go to mum, I would have accepted it and me nor my sister wouldn't have even dreamed of doing something as sick as getting a solicitor to claim something that isn't ours from a family member! Hence neither of us appealed against the decision. We wouldn't stoop to that level. It is unthinkable to me.

I have spoken to my mum once since. I told her to leave me alone as I found it hard and still do to speak to her. My sister doesn't speak to her at all as she is as horrified as I am. 

Now you may be thinking why on Earth my dad wouldn't want any money going to my mum. 

As I said, she is already loaded. After he passed away, she bought a new carpet, new sofas and is getting a new car and this is BEFORE the Death in Service even came to light. She had everything from his bank account (with most of the funeral costs being refunded).

But along with that, my mum used to call my dad a "bastard" a "dog" and all sorts of names whilst they were married. She has and always calls me them too. She has always opened my mail when the post arrives. She used to do it too my sisters' mail too which was one of the many reasons why she moved out. I'm sure you already know (being a high flying solicitor) that it is in fact illegal to open anyone elses' mail. One of my letters was an urgent hospital appointment. An urgent PRIVATE hospital appointment which she opened and hid away from me. The actual main reason my sister moved out was that she was bullied by our mum.

I am guessing that Park Cake Bakeries didn't ask my dad to update his Death in Service. Or he might have said to just leave it as it is as he didn't realise that you have to update it even if you are wanting to keep the same person(s) on it. So maybe this was used by yourself to get it. Park cakes obviously have to look out for themselves hence maybe they crumbled. Again- Maybe.

I know this doesn't matter to you and you might even think that this is funny. My mum slams doors and throws things around the room. This can affect a person ESPECIALLY in the long term so can you imagine how my dad was like having to live with this the majority of his life. He was bullied as am I and as was my sister. Having what was rightfully entitled to me would have given me the chance for a deposit. I could have gotten away from this.

About 2 and a half years before my dad passed away, he had to have an operation on his heart. He got through this but as his diet wasn't always healthy, I knew something bad was going to happen again soon as a lot of my uncles have been passing away recently (and before the pupils in your eyes turn into pound signs again, no, they have got all their finances sorted already). 

I kept repeatedly saying to my mum to go to India to see the relatives because he might not make it again if something else happens. She always used to say "Eee dog ne sathe kaun javanoo" meaning "who's going to go with that dog?" 

Do you speak like that to your husband or kids?

He used to go to the pub on Friday nights and then always rush back home before my mum got in from work as he wasn't allowed to enjoy his life. He used to get stressed out about how mum would act. This really worried me as I know she always got under his skin. She wouldn't pick him up from the pub as I requested EVEN THOUGH AFTER SHE FINISHED WORK AT 10PM, SHE WOULD DRIVE PAST IT. He used to rush home in a taxi.

She used to ask my dad- "When are you going to fucking die?" This was constant. 

Constantly fucking asking it. 

And he is dead now. Is she happy? Are you happy? 

In some ways, the only way to get away from an abusive person is Death. It is horrible to say I know but in some ways, maybe it was the best thing that could have happened to him as at the time of his Death, he had 18 months left before he retired and then what? Stay at home to be verbally and emotionally abused even more? I am sure and I cannot shake off the feeling that maybe my dad had this in mind before he did pass away. 

Why live a life of abuse when you can just...go away?

She called him a "dog" and a "Bastard" repeatedly since I was a child and probably way before I was born too. 

The mortgage on the house is paid off. My mum could sell the house and get a smaller one and have about £50,000 in the bank. 

She bought a new carpet, new sofas and is getting a new car. I am struggling to get a bus pass for work. 

As I said, I know you don't care and somebody like you who is in it PURELY to get money for herself so this whole email could just be pointless. You could just laugh it off. You could even go to the temple and start telling everybody about it and have a good laugh about it. Because you're clearly THAT professional.

Right?

I could write a lot more about the marriage, the bullying, the emotional abuse. Part of me is worried that you might go to the temple and tell everyone.

Personally for myself, I feel that my dads' ashes cannot be scattered right now. I do not know if there is a God out there. I do not know if there is an afterlife. I do not really know what I believe in but just in case that there is, there is no way that my father would ever rest in peace with all this taking place. With money being stolen from me and my sister. 

Thank you for reading this.

Mukesh.

Staring down the barrel of a gun

Unfortunately, this isn't a metaphor.

A few days ago I went to the bookmakers near my house to place some bets on the weekend football. I really enjoy doing a few bets here and there and then watching the scores and live goals on Sky Sports. Anyway, I went into the shop quite late knowing that it would be quiet and that I could focus on and study the football coupons. There was just me as a customer. Two cashiers. One of them was playing a demo on the machine so she was on the shop floor. This particular machine being right next to the counter. She was very big. The size of a small new born baby elephant. Though not as nice looking. The other cashier was about 200 years old.

It was about 8pm and it was very quiet apart from the awful American commentator on the races and the machine the elephant was playing. In come two people. Fully dressed in shell suits with masks and a strip across their eyes. You couldn't see their eye colour, their skin colour or the colour of their hair. Nothing.

Oh and they had guns.

"Everyone co-operate and nobody will get hurt."

This bookmakers is very small and everything happened really fast. To get to the counter they would have to go past me and I had completely frozen. They did go past me. Right past me and straight to the counter. The elephant started screaming for her work colleague who was behind the counter and who then proceeded to run into the back room locking herself in. I could still hear the elephant scream as I dashed out of the shop while the armed robbers had their backs to me.

My heart was thudding like crazy in my chest. I couldn't leave the pachyderm and the 200 year old there like that. I probably should have ran and got as far away as possible but as soon as I got out of the shop I turned the corner and called 999.

Before I even got through, the robbers had come out of the shop and had ran to the other side of the road that I was on and then they saw me and screamed at me to "drop the phone."

I've always been crazy stubborn. My whole life I have ALWAYS been crazy stubborn. I didn't drop the phone. At first.

I put the phone away from my ear and tried to put it on speaker phone so if anything had happened at least then it would be heard.

One of them pointed his gun at me and again screamed at me:-

"Drop the phone or we will fucking smoke you."

I'm not really educated on street talk but as he was still pointing his gun at me, I assumed 'smoke' meant 'shoot'. The other robber started running towards me. He wasn't pointing  his gun at me. He had it held down but he was coming at me really fast. So I slipped the phone in my pocket and put my hands up.

The other one who was pointing the gun at me then shouted for his accomplice to "let's go." And so they did. Running down the street and disappearing into the rainy night just as fast as they had appeared. I went straight for my phone again and walked the ten metres or so back towards the bookmakers whilst calling 999 again just as a car was pulling up and the shutter was coming down.

A guy came out of the car and asked me why the shutter was down. I asked him how he could have missed what just happened. He didn't understand what I was talking about. I told him and he said "Fuck that" and got in the car and disappeared into the rainy night just as fast as he had appeared. The shutter stared opening just as I got through to the police. I proceeded to tell them what happened and when I told them the address, they couldn't locate it on their computers. Then they realised that I had been put through to a police department 200 miles away. The 200 year old let me back into the bookmakers. The elephant was on the phone to the police so I just hung up. Nobody was hurt. Everybody was shaken up.

The police eventually came. Along with CID and CSI and whatever else. I think there were about 14 of them in total that came and went. One had a huge gun himself. I gave two statements. It took 3 hours. A couple of the questions I got asked were ridiculous. Questions like "what did the armed robbers do when you ran out of the shop?" How the hell could I answer that when I had ran out of the shop?? "What kind of guns did they have?" I know nothing about guns. Small. Pistols?? Ones that shoot bullets that could kill??

After what seemed like a long time, one of the police women said it was nice to meet me and said I cold go home and that they would be in touch. It was only when I was halfway home that I couldn't even believe that they didn't offer me a lift. Classic police I guess. A lot of things written down in notepads and not much use at all.

When I did get home I was shaking. But I have no idea why. It wasn't as if a gun was fired. I had a shower. Ate. Still shaking until I opened a big bottle of Tiger beer. It is amazing how beer can make things better. A few days later and I still feel a bit strange. The police had told me I would be feeling some post trauma shit for a few weeks and if that I ever wanted some counselling then to blah blah blah etc.

The bottom line is I am alive. Life is Life and Death is Death. Life is something and Death is nothing. A couple of people have said it is a new lease of life. But I really don't feel like that. Weirdly I don't really know what or how I feel.

Thomas the tank engine is bad for kids! What on earth??

This is almost as stupid and bizarre as no samosas being allowed in Somalia:-

http://muksblogaboutstuff.blogspot.co.uk/2011/09/no-samosas-in-somalia.html

I read this a few weeks ago but just have had no time to write a post on it so I am doing it now and it goes nicely in with my last post on equality and diversity. 

So some absolute idiot from the government thinks that Thomas the tank engine is bad for children because it represents a "national scandal and the negative stereotypes from this kids show were partly to blame."

This woman claims that there are hardly any female train drivers because of Thomas the tank engine. 

Also this absolute idiot of a woman said "In the Thomas the tank engine books, there are almost no female engines. The only female characters are an annoyance, a nuisance and in some cases a danger to the functioning of a railway."

Where do I begin?

This is clearly a woman who is a moron. 

Firstly, there are actually quite a few females in Thomas the tank engine. But that isn't the thing I want to talk about. 

The fact that this woman said this just goes to show how fucking stupid the people that are looking to run this country are. If this is a "national scandal" and this is what this silly woman wants to address then I have to say that I fear more for the future than ever. 

How can a person like this become trusted as an MP? People actually VOTE for this woman?? I have never voted. I will never ever vote. 

Also another problem with the absurd statement that she made is that where would it end? 

Imagine if the makers of Thomas the tank engine introduced more female characters because of this. Does that mean kids shows like Bratz would have to have more men in them?? Male horses in My little pony?? X-men should be titled X-ladies and gentlemen??

Does it mean wacky races should be blamed for road rage?? Yogi bear being blamed for picnic basket theft?? And going back to Thomas the tank engine-does this mean we have to blame the fat controller for obesity??

The MP who said this is Mary Creagh. 

Mary. You are a ridiculous pathetic idiot.

Equality and diversity IS NOT equality and diversity.

People are sometimes just so strange and hypocritical.

I guess it is difficult to not label, stereotype or judge people. Some people actually label, stereotype and judge people who are OVERLY TRYING not to do exactly that. They think that they are saying the right things when saying things like:-

"It doesn't matter what colour you are."

"Everybody looks the same to me. I am colourblind."

"White people tend to have more fun. They are chilled."

They don't even realise it. They are hypocrites and don't even know it. These are three things that have been said to me this week.

Have you ever filled or read an application form of some sort where at the end there is always a bit to fill in that asks you what age you are, what sex, what ethnicity etc. It always says that you don't have to fill it in and that it is optional but something like it helps them monitor something? I don't know. But anyway the point is, if you don't have to fill it in, why do they ask? It shouldn't matter what age, sex, ethnicity you are as long as you are right for the job! Surely? Some forms will actually say that they "encourage equality and diversity" and will then hire a mix of females/males/black/white etc etc etc.

But that isn't right surely? The best person for the job should always be the person who gets it.

Take young children. Small toddlers. They would play with whoever was put in front of them. Any child. In other words, they aren't racist. It's only as they get older that they learn about racism, sexism etc. But they only learn because society is that fucked up. They make it an issue. "Oh don't play with him as he is"such a such" and "don't play with her as she is from" wherever.

I am currently doing a teacher training course and for one whole lesson (we have four hour lessons) we had to "discuss the importance of addressing ethnicity, equality and diversity".

What the hell?

The fact that we had to waste so much time doing this was annoying but what was worse was that people didn't seem to realise that talking about equality and diversity is COMPLETELY the opposite of what we should be doing if race ethnicity creed etc didn't and shouldn't matter! If it didn't and shouldn't matter as they were saying, then we wouldn't be having the discussion.

Trying to be moral and talking about it not mattering is the only reason why it is made to matter!

In that particular lesson, we had to discuss in small groups about this subject before we would talk about it as a whole class and I didn't say anything for ages until the tutor asked my opinion as I hadn't spoken. I then told her I thought that it was unbelievable that we were even having this lesson and that equality and diversity shouldn't be a thing. It should all be about each person. Each person and assessing what it is to make them able to be the best student and bringing out their potential. Talking about it is the one thing we shouldn't be doing as it is so hypocritical. A couple of people then agreed with me and understood what I was saying. Just a couple. But it is better than nobody at all. And today we got told that there might be some moderators coming in soon who will pick a couple of people at "random" to be asked how the course is going. Apparently, these moderators pick people with "unusual names" or in other words names which won't be English.

Again, how messed up is this?

Of course I like expressing my opinion and would like to be asked how it is going, but just because my name is different doesn't mean my opinion should be more valued than anybody else! (I can't believe that I am actually complaining about having my opinion listened to.)

I understand completely about differentiation and about individual learning needs for people and I may be coming across as hypocritical myself as now I am the one who is talking/writing about equality and diversity but I am trying to get across that every person should be treated as an individual and not categorised or labelled.

Just to clarify, the more people try to address "equality and diversity", the longer it will take to actually treat and be treated as equals.

2013

2013. The year of transition. The year of change. A lot of change.

My dad passes away. My mums' full blown crazy side comes out.

Nelson Mandela dies. Lou Reed dies. And to a lesser extent, Margret Thatcher also dies. There were a lot of deaths in fact. Too many. I feel exhausted all of a sudden for some reason? In America more people died from suicides than in car accidents.

Some sport things that happened:-

Sir Alex Ferguson retired as Manchester United manager. Sachin Tendulker retires from cricket. SO MUCH CHANGE.

Oscar Pistorius is charged for murdering his girlfriend.

Other stuff include Tesco using horse meat. It didn't stop customers from shopping there. I remember in hospital after my dad had his stroke and he said he can't wait to eat and that he would eat anything apart from horse meat.

Another load of new phones come out. More games consoles. All expensive.

I don't hear my neighbours' 27 year old daughter with her horrific whiny voice through the walls anymore as she went to New Zealand. I workes with a B-list celebrity for a while. She couldn't handle constructive criticism and was a dick.

Currently a recorded Jools Holland show is playing in the background on the countdown to "midnight". There are fireworks that I can hear from outside. There is that familiar empty feeling that passes over me when that Auld Lang Syne song comes on. My phone is going off a few times. A "Happy new year" message people send to everyone in their phonebook.

I have brandy and red wine. That is all.

A few categories I am making up moments, winners and losers of 2013. This is just my personal stuff:-

Best moment of the year - My one and only date with Jenna. Fuck knows where she is now.

Worst moment of the year - My dad passing away.

Bets sports person of the year - Andy Murray for winning Wimbledon.

Best song of the year - Afterlife by Arcade Fire.

Most grotesque person of the year - Miley Cyrus (previous winners include Katy Perry and Cheryl Cole).

Most awe-inspiring moment - When I saw The Minack Theatre.

Least awe-inspiring moment - TV.

Some quotes of the year:-

"I made a strong choice that in no way diminishes my femininity." - Angelina Jolie after her double mastectomy.

"I was never asked, did you see her in person?" - Manti T'eo after finding out his girlfriend who he had met on Twitter wasn't real.

"I'm basically the healthiest fat guy you've ever seen." - New Jersey governor Chris Christie whilst eating a doughnut on late-night TV.

"I don't want to live in a world where everything I say, everything I do, everyone I talk to, every expression of creativity of love or friendship is recorded." - Edward Snowden, on the U.S government monitoring Internet usage.

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly." - Michelle Knight to the Cleveland police department after they rescued her. One of three captives held prisoner for ten years in Ohio.

"We seek a future when a child can walk down the street and not worry that others see him as dangerous because of the colour of his skin." - Tracy Martin after George Zimmerman was acquitted of murdering his son, Trayvon.

"One has more expenses for the hairdryer than the other." - Fifa president Sepp Blatter on comparing Ronaldo and Messi. And also "We now have three ladies on board. Say something ladies! You are always speaking at home. Say something now!" - To three ladies who were elected to the FIFA executive committee.

I guess I have nothing more to say. 2013 was a pretty shit year. I am not into the whole new year thing at all. You can change your life for the better ANY DAY of your life if you chose to. But regardless of that I am glad 2013 is over.

See what 2014 brings.

Thou shalt do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

No, I am not turning into a religious freak. No offence to any religious freaks that may read this.

I'm not selfish. At least I don't think I am. Or maybe I am?

Is it wrong to believe or to think if you would do things for people, you should expect things back? No.

I don't think it's wrong although you SHOULDN'T EXPECT things back, it would take a saint (again, I am not turning into a religious freak) to not think that maybe a little karma does exist. Surely it is OK to have a bit of hope?? Or not even that. Just out of respect. Things to happen to you from people that are good OUT OF RESPECT. That is NOT too much to ask for.

But the question I want to put out there is that if someone upset or even hurt a friend or someone you care about, should you automatically dislike that person?

For example, if somebody beat up one of your friends, is it wrong for you to hate the person who beat your friend up? Well if it was me and somebody beat my friend up, upset him/her, pissed them off or hurt them in any way at all then yes, I WOULD hate them or really dislike them. For me, it would just be a natural thing. Maybe it is a moral thing too. But I have said on this blog a few times, being moral really gets you nowhere in life.

So how would I feel if it was the other way around? Say if it was ME who was the one who got beat up or tortured or stabbed. Should I automatically expect my friends to hate or really dislike the person/people who did that to me? Is it right for me to expect that? Just because I would feel like that? Is it IMMORAL if my friend(s) DON'T hate or at least dislike the person/people who did that to me?

No. No. No. And...No.

It is their minds, their lives and they can do and feel whatever they want. Who am I to decide who they should and shouldn't like? Who they should and shouldn't dislike? Who they should and shouldn't hate? It is not for me to say.

But at the same time, if  the same thing happened to them and they were the ones who got beat up/tortured/stabbed and had their lives a living hell for years, they may feel different. Just that question. That question that has to be asked:-

How would they feel?

Yuvraj Singh-Six sixes.

An amazing video that I found on You Tube and I remember watching this on TV live. Video near the bottom!

0:16 - Fat Freddie Flintoff says something to Yuvraj Singh to try and provoke him/lose his concentration.

0:22 - The umpire is telling Yuvraj to calm down and is slightly holding him back.

0.25 - Commentator David Lloyd says "I wouldn't bother Yuvraj if I were you."

0:30 - Yuvraj hits a six. He is angry.

1:05 - Commentator Ravi Shastri says "I think those few words from Flintoff just charged him up a bit."

A bit?

1:41 - Yuvraj hit a second six.

2:11 - Freddie Flintoff stands with his hands on his hips thinking "Shit. Why did I open my fat mouth?"

2:43 - Yuvraj hit a THIRD six. The guy is still pissed off.

3:19 - Stuart Broad (who was supposed to be Englands' 'new hope' at the time) looks very nervous
.
3:20 - Ravi Shastri: "Absolute Carnage." (Yuvraj isn't finished yet Ravi).

3:30 - Broad being Englands' new hope and all, decides to take evasive action and bowls around the wicket.
3:34 - It makes no difference. Yuvraj hits a FOURTH six. I remember standing up at this point.

3:57 - David Lloyd: "England are having a conference meeting."

4:07 - England have their conference meeting. Paul Collingwood and Broad have piss rolling down their legs
.
4:12 - Collingwood tells Broad "Anything. ANYTHING but a six."


4:15 - Broad looks genuinely bewildered. He is thinking "I don't know what the hell I should do."
4:18 - Broad realises piss rolling down his legs isn't going to help this situation.

4:28 - Broad rallies his troops. "I am going to ball an amazing delivery here! Piss or no piss!"

4:47 - Yuvraj hits a FIFTH six.

4:51 - Ravi Shashtri doesn't bother being professional or neutral. "YES!"

5:16 - Broad with a classic "Oh shit" pose. Right arm across chest and left arm up, hand to the mouth.

5:24 - Collingwood with the EXACT same pose!

5:50 - SIX SIXES. Yuvraj put it away. Never done before in T20 cricket.



In an interview done much later, he was asked what Fat Freddie Flintoff had actually said to him and according to Yuvraj, he had said "those were fucking ridiculous shots you played" (Yuvraj had hit Fat Fred for a couple of boundaries in the previous over). Yuvraj replied to him "Fuck you." Fat Fred then says "Excuse me?" to which Yuvraj replies "You heard what I said." Then Fat Fred says " I will cut your throat off."

Then Yuvraj says to him "Do you see this bat in my hand? I'm going to hit you with this bat."

India went on to win the match and the trophy.