How to "chat up" a beautiful rich girl

I read an article in the paper the other day and it was about the beautiful Emma Watson not being "able to find a man". She believed that men were intimidated by her wealth, success etc.

However, the article really made me laugh as it did seem like she didn't understand exactly HOW people should approach her. For example, if I saw her in a bar, assuming there wasn't already 100 guys around her, assuming 100 guys that day hadn't already tried to speak to her using whatever chat up lines they had practised on "lesser" women throughout their whole lives, assuming that she wasn't sick of the fact that 100s of guys that day had failed to measure up to whatever it is that she might actually want, assuming she didn't have 100 bodyguards around, assuming I went up to her after all this and said "Hi, my name is Mukesh"-she would most probably be like "your name is what now?"-"Mukesh. Yes Mukesh. M-u-k-e-s-h. It means love and freedom apparently"-"interesting, well my name is Em..-"I know what your name is, I know who you are. I'd offer to buy you a drink but you seem to have dollars currently oozing out of your ears and nose so you probably don't need me to buy you one. I haven't even seen any of the Harry Potter films as when I tried watching some of the first one I fell asleep but you're one of the most beautiful women in the world and I really want to stroke your face."

Not that I would actually say that unless I was feeling mighty bold. Granted, maybe there isn't a person in the world that would have said this to her and there could well be a chance that she hasn't met someone called Mukesh before. But what would she see and want with an average Shmuck like me?? The answer to that is-nothing. I'm not the handsomest of men, I don't really have too much going for me apart from a frigging sparkling personality but I have no money, not a great job, pretty much nothing to measure up to the dizzy heights of being a huge film star and being in the papers/magazines everyday.

Last year when I went to see Norah Jones play where I used to work, I went into the pub after the gig and the landlord there who I've known for several years was happy to let me stay after hours and then a crew member who I also knew told me that Norah would be leaving the building soon if I wanted to meet her. I was like "HELL YES".

It was strange, I went outside with a poster my friend had found in the ladies. There wasn't that many people there and as soon as I went outside someone who was I assume was a roadie of hers said "Yeah? What do you want?" "FRESH AIR" I replied pushing past him. Then I waited a few minutes with him glaring at me really thinking that he was going to shoot me. Then out comes Norah with a bodyguard who I'm pretty sure I could've taken. The first words out of his mouth were "Yeah? What do you want?" This time I didn't even bother with a reply to him. I had replied to one jackass already and didn't want to waste my time with another one not now the lovely Norah was stood in front of me.

The conversation was quite a simple one at first. (Her speaking voice is as lovely as her singing voice). It was a simple "hello" to each other. Then "Great show Norah." "Thanks, you want me to sign that?" Yes please, I found it in the toilet" "eeuuuwwww, you found it in the toilet??" "Well not IN the toilet,but you know-in the toilet" She then laughed (Her laugh is as good as her speaking voice which is as good as her singing voice as mentioned) and she said "alright, cool" signing my poster-whilst may I add-looking into my eyes.

Then the stupid idiot bodyguard took her away "OK, that's enough." What an idiot he was. Anyway, I went back in the pub where the rest of her band were sitting down having a drink. Then Norah walks in, gets a drink and sits with them about 6 feet away from me. Her and her band members were engrossed in conversation so I really didn't want to interrupt. I'd had my moment with her.

Another Time was when I was working a Paul Weller gig and I served Rachel Blanchard who looked as she always does, so stunning. I noticed nobody was serving her so went over and asked what she wanted-vodka lemonade. She tipped me £1. About half an hour later, she returned to the bar. "Same again??" I asked. "You remember? Yes please." She then tipped me £1 again and that was it. Never saw her again.

So it's not a question of why Emma Watson can't find a man, it's more of a question of what the hell is the point in even trying?? It is way too difficult for average shmucks like me not to just get a chance, but to even have a normal conversation. The price of fame dear Emma Watson.

But, if I could just get 15 minutes alone with her-I'm pretty sure I could win her over.