The happiest moments of my life.

The world isn't a good place right now. It almost seems like there are too many horrible people. The earth is in a terrible state. Maybe with age, you notice these things more. It's not like when you're a kid and things like this almost don't affect you. When Father Christmas exists. When scary things happen at Halloween. When the harshness of life hasn't hit you yet. 

I can't remember who it was and I can't remember exactly when or even what the whole conversation was but it was some sort of discussion about moments in life that can change you. I didn't want to be negative, so I thought about what the happiest moments in my life have been. Here they are:-

*When I was about six years old. I think. Around that age. My dad took me to Toy Master which is a shop that doesn't even exist anymore. He bought me some Lego technic for £14.99. On leaving the shop, it was cold and it was dark. One hand clasping my dad's hand and the other gripping this Lego as tightly as I possibly could. Holding it like it was life itself. I was trembling. I felt like a King. It was absolutely magical. I played with this Lego for years. 

*When my ex girlfriend first told me she loved me. On a mountain (hill) top in Wales with some castle ruins behind us. I don't think they even write books or make movies with how I felt that day.

*The look on my ex girlfriend's face when one year, on her birthday card I simply wrote:-

"Thank You for saving my life."

I had no other words to say. These words said it all. 

*Another ex girlfriend one. Being in Sorrento. What a beautiful place. Sitting out looking at the water and eating an orange. So simple yet so indescribably beautiful. The pinnacle of happiness.  

That is all. I am so lucky to have had these moments happen in my life because thinking about them almost makes me appreciate things. I just hope and wish that I will be able to have moments like these again. 

 

The Good, The Bad and The Me.

For a long time, I have tried to always do the right thing. However what I feel is right isn't necessarily...right. It may be wrong. A lot of the times it is. But sometimes, I don't know at the time. I would think that something I may be doing is right for someone but it may not be good for them at all. And it may not be good for myself at all. 

All throughout my life-especially my adult life, I liked to believe that justice would be done. Justice would be done to anyone that did wrong. Looking back, I guess this was why I used to liked comic book stories so much. The majority of the time, the good guys get justice and things end well. Or it is like in wrestling where a few bad guys would be beating up a good guy and then another good guy's music hits and runs down and saves the day. 

I started this blog to air my frustrations on the world and also frustrations about myself. I cannot imagine many people read this if any read it at all. 

When you think you are doing good things in life, you think that you are doing the right thing, but then other things might happen that can make you think "Why do I bother?"

Personally for me, I keep bothering because I suppose I want acceptance from someone-from ANYONE that can accept me for who I am and appreciate me even when I do bad things. It is difficult. I guess it may never happen. After all, justice should be done.

But then I see other people who have done bad things who live genuinely happy lives. Or at least happier lives and then I think to myself "Where is the justice here?" 

So here it is:-

You may have done bad things in your life that you are not proud of. That you hate yourself for. But thinking about these things constantly like I do EVERYDAY just means that you will never be happy. That you will never be able to live a life where you feel just a little content. Beating yourself up will just make you hate yourself and your life and make you feel less appreciative of anything that is actually good. 

People have beaten me up in life. Physically and Mentally. Sometimes I feel like it has corrupted me. 

But the worst thing anyone can do is beat themselves up. Because that way, justice will never be done. 

Happy Birthday to Her.

 

Goodbye 2020

2020. An absolutely awful year. It's crazy how it has completely changed life. 

There is currently a global pandemic. A lot of people are dying from it. The government seems to be in more of a state than ever. Nobody knows what's going to happen. My advice is to just go with the flow and see what happens and then just try and get through. I'm not one for all the new year shenanigans. Originally, I was going to walk to Dovestones again to the top of it for midnight but I was talked out of it. 

What I am going to do is use 2021 as a beacon of opportunity to try and do better and also feel better.

In 2020, I've been a bitter, jealous, spiteful and horrible human being. I'm not blaming certain things that have happened to make me feel like this but they have obviously played a part in it all. 

I split up with the love of my life TWICE. I really miss my dog that actually wasn't even mine. I've lived in four different places and have been very unsettled. I've been careless, thoughtless and reckless. I've been uncontrollably down sometimes. I was in a car accident when my ribs were already hurt. I went to the hospital because of an undescribable pain in my head where I thought that was it. I almost got run over by a motorcyclist when I walked out into a dual carriageway.

Halfway through the year, I found myself swearing a lot. I try never to swear but I was doing so. I was also saying things that didn't make any sense. Stupid things that were a bit docile. I had no focus at all. As well as this, I was also making silly little mistakes at work not just once or twice, but constantly. 

I couldn't think straight. And I couldn't talk to anyone. I could have talked but I didn't try hard enough to talk. And for a lot of things, it's too late now. 

There are things about me that I'm leaving behind in and with 2020. The bitterness, jealousy, spitefulness, horribleness, recklessness. It's ALL going. I said on one of my videos in my last post that I need to get back to how I used to be. 

I told my friend earlier that the highlight of the year was when I learned how to ride a bike. For those of you that don't know me, the first time I went on one as a child, I fell off and didn't go on one again until recently. Another highlight was when I saw the doggie that isn't mine after a few months. Lovely moment. 

There are things that can happen to everyone. Good and bad things. Sometimes more bad than good unfortunately, but it's how you deal with the bad situations that can make you the person that you are. And I want to be better. So good riddance to 2020 and all the bad stuff that has happened. I'm not saying from the first day of 2021, everything will be amazing because everything will just be the same! But I'm going to work more on helping things become amazing. Some things you can't control. 

But some things you can.

Christmas day at Dovestones.

So it is three days after Christmas day and it was a strange Christmas. It has been a strange year. An absolutely crazy year and so I decided to do something absolutely crazy on Christmas day. The following three pictures are hard to see but I walked a total of 27.41 kilometres (just over 17 miles) to the top of Dovestones and back. A total of 36, 876 steps. The total time I walked was 7 hours, 22 minutes and 51 seconds. I burned 1,807 calories. 

When I got to Dovestones, I went to the top of it the hard way. Off track. I realised that if something happened to me it probably would have been it as I was on my own. There are reasons I did this. I give a really brief and what is probably a nonsensical reason in the first video.

Most of the following are really short videos with descriptions of the walk.  

My reason to go to Dovestones on Christmas day. It wasn't going to be a nice day if I didn't do something which is why I wanted to do something a bit crazy that would keep me occupied for most of the day. This was at 9.36am. I'd only eaten a cookie and drank a cup of green tea.

9.42 am. Just some trees in the morning. How good do they look?

9.51am. I saw a house with pillars and a couple of small lion statues. It was a bit random and I don't really like taking pictures of peoples houses so I didn't but had to say something about the one I saw as it looked quite cool. 

9.55am. Don't take things for granted. The views and the surroundings are so lovely. 

9.55am Merry Christmas from a cyclist. I actually had my ear phones in and was listening to classical music but I heard him as I was just babbling for the previous post. 

9.55am. Cold and breath taking.

9.59 am. I didn't expect to bump into anyone here but I suppose it is a public footpath...

10.03am. Especially people who know me. I can't remember what their names are but they chatted for a couple of minutes. (Camera angles aren't great on this one.)

10.09am. An incredible picture and you can just about see Heartshed pike.

10.21am. A narrow path. Reached Mossley in pretty decent time. 

10.28am. Trying to give an explanation of why to not let bad thoughts overcome you (part one).

10.28am. Trying to give an explanation of why to not let bad thoughts overcome you (part two).

10.41am It's looking (and feeling) really cold.

10.44am. Riders on the storm.

10.51am. Am I going anywhere? Here or in Life? Slowly maybe, but I will get there.

10.54am. I absolutely loved how this cat was siting in the middle of the path on this freezing cold day.

11.04am. Getting to Dovestones was the easy bit. Now comes the hard part.

11.11am. If this path and these tress continued for miles and miles, I would not have minded. Stunning.

11.15am. Water under the bridge. I have lost count of how many times I have said the word "Amazing".

11.23am. Looking for a way through.

11.28am. This is where the real journey begins. I had been walking for two hours at this point.

11.32am. Ignore me and look behind me. 

11.33am. The start of the forest.

11.36am. Trees, trees, beautiful trees.

11.40am. This chair was just randomly here. Very strange to see.

11.42 am. An obstacle course. Found myself surrounded by all this at one point and had to do some climbing and ducking.

12.10pm. Out of he trees and into the light. I exited the forest. Onto the mountain! Really cold at this point. 

12.13pm. My favourite tree. It just looks so out of place with everything else around it. 

12.28pm. If you look very closely, you can see someone at the very top. 

12.37 pm. Getting really gruelling now. I was on my hands and knees at this point. 

12.44pm. Taking a little break. It really could be any day of the year. It doesn't feel like Christmas at all. But just as I say that, the following then happens. 

12.57pm. Unbelievably, minutes later, it starts to snow. It's almost as if someone heard me and thought "Here's a little something to make it feel like Christmas."

I would have preferred a helicopter and a hot drink at this point.

1.03pm. I am making progress and getting there. Amazing view. 

1.09pm. Very much out of place. I had to go round this. No way was I going through it. 

1.22pm. Getting near the top! There is a bit which I call "The cauldron" which was the place where I was going to. I was so tired. I couldn't wait to sit down in The cauldron. 

1.25pm. I made it to the top and started to get philosophical to explain my reasoning for doing this. Yes I know, I look A MESS.

1.28pm. The Cauldron is in sight! The promised land! after fours hours of walking. 

1.30pm. This is The cauldron. A pile of rocks. Uncomfortable but absolutely incredible at the same time. I sat for about five minutes and realised how tired I was. Then I see a man walking on the path (the very easy route compared to mine!) towards me. Unbelievably, he had split up with his girlfriend and like myself he was spending Christmas alone. We talked very openly about our situations about what happened, what we did and what to do. Another ten minutes of talking and then it looked like it was very slowly starting to get dark-not to mention it was absolutely freezing. We decided to walk back down the path. 

 

1.57pm. The journey back was not alone. Me and Dan walked back down the path. The ground was completely frozen. I had brought sandwiches and started to eat them!

2.16pm. At this point I was pretty exhausted. Hence why there are probably no words! Just look at the view.

2.28pm. I think these are Shetland cows. Another couple of chums to chat to on the way back!

2.40pm. This was another unbelievable thing. After wishing for a helicopter earlier, we see one landing in a house. Someone around there may actually own a helicopter.  

2.48pm. My first ever taste of Dovestones IPA. I don't know why I say "Dovestones IPA ale. The abbreviated "A" in "IPA" already stands for "ale". Dovestones Indian Pale Ale Ale!  

3.01pm. Leaving Dovestones. And I give another explanation on circumstances and stuff. I can barely walk and still have to get all the way back. Dragging my feet!

4.20pm. The last video. It actually felt a lot later than it actually was. It was actually still afternoon.

I got back just before 5pm. I don't think that I had ever done anything so physically gruelling like that before. Certainly not for that length of time and in those freezing conditions. Although I was by myself, doing these videos made me feel less alone. And obviously I got talking to someone for a bit as well as the cows. 

It helped pass the day. It also helped me have a better outlook on things straight after I had done it. And although it's three days later and I am still aching, I am hoping it is the start of making me have a better outlook in life and to become a better person. 

If you got this far, thank you for reading (and watching).

 

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Try to become a better person

I moan about life all the time. Whether it's my job, other people or my circumstances. I always whine about how it could be better and how things don't go my way. It is all nonsense. My circumstances are made because of me. Where I curently am in life is my own doing. It's the same for a lot of people. You make the decisions in life that make you who you are. I have made so many bad decisions. As have a lot of people. I am where I am because of me. I want to try and stop the bad decisions. 

I don't believe in God. I used to but after years of logically thinking about it all, there isn't a point in beliving in God. You have to believe in yourself. 

But I completely understand people who do believe in God, because even though God may not exist, it gives the people who do believe, some sort of inner strength especially in the darkest of times. A lot of people turn to God in desperate times. 

A lot of people stop turning to God because they lose faith. 

I'm so very lucky to have had the opportunities that I have had. I may not have made the most of them. In fact, I most definitely havn't made the most of them. But I will try again. 

Some people that I have met who have got me through some bad times. I would like to do the same for people. 

I would like to become a better person. I do not know if I can or if it will ever happen but I will try. As long as I try and give it my all, then it does not matter what happens. 

Because I know that I will have tried. 

Somebody loved me.

Of all the crazy things that have happened and are still happening in life, this is probably the strangest thing of them all. 

Somebody actually loved me. 

I'm a gargoyle. I lie. I am untrustworthy. I moan. I am negative. I am opinionated. I am a loser.

Anything really is possible. Even though the love doesn't exist anymore, it happened and it was amazing. 

A long time ago, one of my college tutors told me that I should take my own advice as I gave good advice. But for some reason, I just never take my own advice. 

I feel very empty. I get periods of crying but then nothing. Just really down. It is a very difficult thing to accept that I am not loved anymore. But I suppose it can be a very easy thing to take for granted too. But it happened. It may not happen ever again (maybe I don't ever want it to happen again).

But for some part of my life, it happened. 

It was there. It was real. It was lovely. It made life seem worthwile. 

And even though it is over, surely just the fact that somebody loved me once is enough to maybe keep getting through the days and to keep me going in life?